


Sun Keeps Risin'

by fandommatchmaker19



Category: Station 19 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, F/M, Heartbreak, Temporary Amnesia
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-10
Updated: 2019-08-28
Packaged: 2019-11-14 19:04:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 38,183
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18058259
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fandommatchmaker19/pseuds/fandommatchmaker19
Summary: And, then, there was an explosion. His fingers tremble as he reaches for the radio.He exhales, runs his hand through his hair again, and finally admits the horrifying truth, “she doesn’t know who I am, Sully. She doesn’t remember us.”From prompt: Vic gets hurt and loses her memories of the last couple of months. Doesn't remember anything after the skyscraper. Lucas although in love with her and knows that she is in love with him thinks it might be for the best to erase himself from her life, but he can't stay away from her.





	1. Flashover

**Author's Note:**

  * For [madnephelite](https://archiveofourown.org/users/madnephelite/gifts).



> This is the first multi-chapter fic I've written in a really long time. Hope to be able to keep updating every weekend, maybe more often, we'll see lol. Hope y'all enjoy.

The door slams behind him, but Lucas doesn’t care. The only thing on his mind is that he has to go, he has to get out, he can’t look at her-

“Luke!” somebody – Sullivan – calls out behind him, but he ignores them. “Rip!” Sullivan tries again, in vain as Lucas continues to march through the hospital with no particular destination. “Lucas!” His former – and current – best friend’s voice is sharp, and finally Lucas stops. Well, freezes. Tears prickle at the corner of his eyes, and Lucas blinks them away hastily. Sullivan lays his hand on his shoulder in comfort, but Lucas flinches away.

He can’t breathe. It’s as if the air was knocked out of his lungs, as if he’s drowning and he’s trapped underwater with no way out, no way to the surface. His world is tilted on its axis, his stomach is in knots and he feels like he might-

“Breathe,” Sullivan urges calmly. They’re outside now, outside the constricting walls of the hospital, but Lucas still feels the panic, still feels his heart racing, his throat constricting. He rakes his hand through his hair and finally turns to Sullivan, though he still can’t form a coherent sentence. “Breathe, man, in and out, c’mon,” Sullivan repeats, this time firmer.

He takes in a deep, gasping breath that makes his lungs feel as if they’re on fire. He exhales, runs his hand through his hair again, and finally admits the horrifying truth, “she doesn’t know who I am, Sully. She doesn’t remember _us_.”

“I’m so sorry, man,” Sullivan says, and when he places his hand on his shoulder a second time, Lucas lets him. And, then, Sullivan pulls him towards him, wraps his other arm around him, holds him tightly while Lucas just stands there, motionless. Numb. “It’s gonna be okay, man,” Sullivan says, but Lucas feels as if he’s underwater and he can’t – doesn’t – quite hear him.

Dawn settles on the horizon, the barest hints of the sun’s rays shining from the sky, lighting the area the two men are standing in, shining through the hospital’s windows, bringing about a new day. But, for Lucas, it’s the worst day of his life. And, finally, Lucas begins to sob in his best friend’s arms.

* * *

_Twenty-four hours earlier_

A soft breeze blows the curtains and Vic turns in Lucas’ arms, nuzzling his cheek, pressing a soft kiss to his earlobe as the first rays of the morning sun light shine light through their bedroom window. Lucas’ arms are wrapped around her waist and he tugs her closer and Vic basks in the warmth of his embrace. Sleepily, she opens her eyes to find Lucas gazing at her lovingly.

“Good morning,” she greets, her voice hoarse from sleep as she props herself up on her elbow.

“Good morning, sweetheart,” he says back, smiling crookedly at her. She runs her fingers through his tousled hair and leans up to press a tender kiss to his lips. She can feel him smile against her lips as he deepens the kiss, slipping his tongue into her mouth while his hands drift across her back, steadying her as she straddles him. She smiles when she pulls away, resting her forehead against his. “Well, this is a nice way to start the morning,” he says and rolls them over so he’s on top, his fingers caressing the side of her face, curling her hair around his index finger.

She giggles, gazing lovingly into his intensely blue eyes as her arms wind around his neck, fingers threading through his curly blonde hair. “I love you,” she says, palm resting against his skin. His lips curl into a smile in response.

“And, I love you,” he says before leaning down and kissing her again. She squeals in delight, the sound muffled against his lips as she kisses him back, and wraps her legs around his waist fingers still tangled in his hair.

The alarm rings several mind-blowing orgasms later, and Vic pouts, but follows Lucas to the shower, where Lucas manages to coax a few more of those mindblowing orgasms that have her clinging to him, moaning his name while her back is pressed against the wall as water rains down on them.

* * *

She ends up being almost late for work, and blushes several shades of red at the looks she receives from her friends and co-workers, mainly Maya, Andy and Travis while full-on swaggering into the kitchen. She joins her team at the table for breakfast, seating herself between Warren and Travis, trying to pretend her teammates aren’t all snickering at her.

“Had a good morning?” Miller quips and Andy and Maya giggle. Vic fixes them with a glare.

“If you must know, yes I did,” Vic retorts, her lips curling into a smirk.

“Good morning, nineteen!” Sullivan greets in his usual gruff voice as he enters the kitchen. “Ah, Hughes! Good you’re here, though you’re late as usual,” he says, taking the seat at the head of the table.

“By like two minutes!” she whines, but when he flashes her a glare, concedes with a, “sorry, Captain.”

They manage to get through breakfast with no interruptions, but are called out as soon as they finish. Vic’s on engine with Sullivan and Gibson, and she can see that Sullivan is keeping an eye on Gibson, still. They’re called out to a small house fire and finish quickly, but are called to another call as soon as they get back. They finally get back from back to back calls in the afternoon, and Vic finds that she has a message from Lucas.

_Hey, baby, how was your morning? I was stuck in meetings. Love you, Luke._

Her eyes light up and she smiles as she stares at the screen as a small blush tints her cheek.

“Ooh, did the Chief write you a love letter?” Miller teases, grinning at her.

“Shut up, Miller,” she retorts as she types her response.

_Hey, I was in back to back calls since breakfast. Hoping to catch a break. I thought you loved your job, Chief._

His response is immediate and her stomach swarms with butterflies.

_I love you, more._

_Love you, too,_ she replies.

Sullivan orders them all to KP for the next few hours, interrupted only by a few medical calls.

* * *

It’s late in the evening, and the team is discussing what to order for dinner when they get the next call. Several other units had already been called in when they arrive at the scene, and Vic spots Lucas running the scene. She glances over at Sullivan as she hops out of the engine truck, following her teammates to the Command Center.

“Chief!” they all chorused when they reached him. Lucas turned to them, his gaze lingering on her as she stood alongside her teammates. She flashed him a small smile in return. He looked exhausted, and his expression was grim.

“Nineteen!” he greeted them, voice hoarse from yelling all night. “I want Bishop, Gibson, Miller and Montgomery on the interior offensive attack. So far, we’ve got all companies working and we’re at 30% containment. We’re dealing with warehouses here, the fire started in the central A-side warehouse which is empty, however B and D sides are both filled with potentially explosive goods. To make matters worse, D-side and B-side have civilians working inside. We’ve started evacuating them, so I’ll need Hughes and Warren on Aid Car,” Vic pouts, but he shakes his head, and continues, “and Herrera and Sullivan tag in for Richardson and Dearborn from 12 on B-side.”

“Yes, sir!” they all chorused and the others all geared up to go assist in the offensive attack while Herrera and Sullivan went over to the B-side building. Vic’s stomach churned as she watched the two run off, completely in sync, but then she remembered that it wasn’t really her business and it wasn’t the time. She glanced at the burning building, part of her wanting to be included in the offensive attack, and the other part of her understanding why she wasn’t. As Warren headed over to triage, Vic lingered.

“Stay safe,” she told Lucas, glancing briefly at him. His eyes flashed over to her, briefly unguarded and vulnerable.

“You too, Victoria,” he said before grabbing his radio. Vic knew that she had to let him run the scene, so she ran over to the triage section, finding an unattended victim and starting to treat him.

She and Warren, along with other firefighters who are working in triage and several crews of paramedics rotated around patients, and in and out of Aid Cars while the rest are still fighting the fire.

“Alright,” she hears Lucas shout into the radio. “All civilians from inside the warehouses have been evacuated and we’ve determined the nature of the materials in the warehouses. D-side is safe, I want Bishop and Miller to join the crew from 88 on venting that one-” Lucas is cut off as the radio crackles and Vic looks over toward the warehouses. Firefighters were going in and out of the B-side structure, ferrying out the materials.

“Sir!” Sullivan called out and Vic exchanged a glance with Ben. “B-side is filled with explosives, we’re trying to take them out, but we need to vent for possible flashover!”

“Come in, Sullivan, thanks. Alright, I’m gonna need another crew on B-side to help with interior venting, immediately!” Lucas shouted into the radio and Vic immediately sprang to her feet. Warren finished handing over a patient to a paramedic and followed her over to Ripley.

“Send me in!” she exclaimed. “You need another crew, send Warren and I in. Everyone else is dead on their feet, Warren and I are fine,” she met his gaze, but he held it firmly.

“No,” he said and Vic flinched a little.

“Are you kidding me? You need someone to vent. Send us in!” she pressed, but from the set of his expression it was clear Lucas wasn’t going to give in.

“No, Hughes, I am not sending you in,” he said firmly. “If that building explodes-” he cuts himself off and sighs. “I can’t send you in.”

“Um, what about having us tag Gibson and Bishop out on D-side? There’s less likelihood of that one exploding and Gibson and Bishop can go over to B-side,” Warren pipes up and Vic glances over at the not-so-rookie. “Sir,” Warren adds as an afterthought. Lucas looks at both of them and rubs his beard.

“Yes, good, idea, Warren,” she says, smiling at him. “Warren and I can do a little preventive venting, Lu- Chief,” she says, feeling herself flush at the slip.

The radio crackles again. It’s Herrera, this time. “Chief, we really need some help over here!”

“Copy, Herrera. Bishop! Gibson! Do you copy?”

“Yes, sir!”

“Go to B-side and help with venting. Warren and Hughes are gonna tag you out!”

“Copy that!” Bishop and Gibson shout back.

Lucas turns to them, “alright, Hughes, Warren, gear up!” he orders them, his gaze lingering on her face for a few seconds longer. Warren goes over to gear up quickly, but Vic stays with Lucas for a few more seconds. The atmosphere is charged, neither of them saying anything, but saying everything needed with their eyes. He touches her shoulder briefly, all choked up, hands trembling slightly, before going over to the triage area. Vic sighs and goes to gear up as well.

* * *

He can’t say anything; his throat is constricted. She stands there in front of him, eager and ready to jump inside a burning building and he can’t form words. Instead, he touches her shoulder and stares intensely into her eyes before going over to check on triage. He refuses to watch her actually rush into that building. Lucas inspects triage, then turns his attention to the three warehouses. He grabs his radio to check in.

“Alright, we’re at 40% containment. All companies working. 23, 88, 12 and 19 – what’s your status?”

He receives A-okays from all of them and his shoulders relax momentarily.

“Hughes here. We’re A-okay, Chief!” He lets out a sigh of relief upon hearing her voice. He knows she did that on purpose, reassuring him that she’s okay.

“Copy, Hughes. How’s that vent going?”

“Working on it, sir!” she reports.

He checks in with Gibson and Bishop who had cleared the B-side warehouse of 70% of the combustible materials and vented in case of flashover. His eyes are trained on the structure, and he can see that B-side is starting to become unstable. He orders to move triage several feet back and tells PD to move the press vans away. He also tells the firefighters in that building to evacuate immediately. A lieutenant informed him that the press wanted an update and Lucas rushes through the yellow tape. He’s met by flashing lights, the clicking of cameras and several recorders and microphones being shoved in his face as the reporters throw questions at him. The words spill out from his mouth, his tone somber, though he feels as if he isn’t one hundred percent present. Finally, he is saved from having to answer any more questions by PD who pushes the press a dozen feet away. He returns to the scene.

And, then, there _was_ an explosion. His fingers tremble as he reaches for the radio.

“All units evacuate immediately. All units come in! What’s your status? I repeat, all units what’s your status?” he all but screams into the radio, an edge of panic in his voice. His eyes drift frantically around him, and in the chaos he sees several crews exit the buildings and Sullivan rushes towards him, along with Gibson, Bishop, Herrera and others. Other crews respond that they’re fine, evacuating. Several paramedics rush towards them, ready to assess and treat. And, then, the radio crackles again.

A crew on the A entrance reported that they’d seen the corner between the A-side primary building and D-side buildings collapse in on itself.

A crew from C-side reported that they’d seen the back area of the D-side building explode.

Warren called for a mayday and Lucas could feel his heart stop.

Someone from 23 unnecessarily reported that the structure of the D-side and primarily buildings was starting to look unstable. Uncharacteristically, Lucas swore before ordering an immediate evacuation.

“Sir, Warren and Hughes are still in the building!” Herrera shouted at him from the side.

“I am aware, Herrera!” he shouted back before grabbing the radio again. “Warren, what’s your status? Where are you? Report!”

“We’re in the C-side, sir, Vi- Hughes-” he cuts himself off, hesitating. Lucas freezes momentarily before pushing the screaming, panicking voice to the back of his mind.

“Tell me, Warren!”

“Hughes was thrown against the wall, hit her head pretty hard and she’s unconscious. I’m fine, but may take some effort to get out, seeing as we’re kind of trapped. And, then, visibility’s really low, so we might need some help.” The radio crackles and he can hear Warren grunt. “We definitely need some help, sir.”

“Alright, don’t worry, Warren. Just, uh, make sure to keep her alive and we’ll get you out of there.”

“Copy that.”

Then, Lucas turns to the other firefighters from 19 around him. Miller and Montgomery had also joined.

“Alright, I’m gonna have 88 and 12 start a defensive attack from C-side and then we’ll form a RIT team to go find them. Montgomery and Bishop, go get supplies from triage; backboard, C-collar, gauze. We’ll go in when we have the all clear from C-side!” he orders.

“Yes, sir!” Montgomery and Bishop chorus and rush off to the triage area.

Lucas grabs his radio. “12 and 88, I need all crews on a defensive attack from C-side. Hook your hoses and hit just above explosion site!”

“Yes, sir!”

It feels like forever, but it’s probably a few minutes when they get the all clear from C-side. Bishop and Montgomery are ready.

Warren radios in that he can’t put weight on his right foot, so Lucas also asks Herrera and Gibson to join. Then, he’s about to grab his SCBA gear and join when Sullivan stops him.

“Oh, hell no!” Lucas turns to him.

“Excuse me?”

“You’re not going in,” Sullivan says, matter of fact. Lucas shakes his head.

“Of course I’m going in. I’m the Chief!” Lucas replies, trying to inflict as much authority as he can, but Sullivan stands in front of him, hands on his hips. [Lucas is aware his best friend’s a tall person and very terrifying. But, he just doesn’t really care].

“No, you’re not. Right now, she’s an injured firefighter and you can’t be Chief and her boyfriend. You’re staying here with me. Three lieutenants are going in, they’re perfectly capable. It’ll be fine,” Sullivan says, resting a firm hand on his shoulder, his expression serious. [The gesture is meant to be comforting, but it’s really to keep him from running into the soon-to-collapse building that had just exploded].

“Sully, I have to-”

“No, Rip, you have to stay here.” Numbly, Lucas nods.

The firefighters charge in and Lucas can only watch, Sullivan’s hand on his shoulder keeping him grounded as they look for Warren and Victoria. Finally, after what feels like hours, but is only minutes, Herrera and Gibson carry Warren on a stretcher and take him to an Aid Car. Then, Montgomery and Bishop exit with another stretcher, this time with Victoria, and Lucas feels like he might collapse. He rushes towards them as they load her into the Aid Car, his fingers reaching numbly to stroke the side of her face. There’s soot and ash on it, and her eyes are closed, but otherwise she looks like she’s sleeping. She looks calm, peaceful.

“Victoria,” he chokes out, feeling tears prickle at his eyes. “Vic? Wake up, please?” But, she doesn’t open her eyes and Lucas stumbles back as her teammates load her into the Aid Car.

He’s numb as he calls Frankel, asking her to come to the scene. Deb shows up ten minutes later and meets him at the Command Center.

“Use your sirens. She’ll be okay, Rip,” Deb says, patting his shoulder. He hands over and runs to his car and tears out of the lot. His fingers grip the steering wheel so tightly, his knuckles are white.

* * *

_10 hours later_

Lucas can’t breathe as he leans against one of the walls of the hospital, hand running through his hair. He’s still wearing his turnout jacket, his face is covered in ash and soot and there are dry tears on his cheeks. He sinks against the wall, knees drawing up to his chest and lets his head fall. [He’s aware he looks kind of insane]. He’d spent the first few hours in the waiting room with the others, but Montgomery had taken him on a walk. Then, Montgomery had returned to the waiting area and Lucas had just wondered aimlessly across the halls.

_He had driven to Grey Sloan in a blur, well past the speed limit and as soon as he parked, he was out. He rushed into the ER of Grey Sloan and found Bishop and Montgomery along with Gibson and Herrera standing in front of a trauma room. He feels sick to his stomach._

_“Chief!” Gibson exclaims at the same time that Montgomery and Bishop say, “Ripley.”_

_“Any- any, uh, updates?” he asks – more like demands – as he runs a hand through his hair. [He doesn’t even sound like himself]._

_“They’re still working on her, but haven’t taken her into surgery,” Herrera reports. Another doctor bursts in the room and Lucas catches a glimpse of doctors desperately working to bring Vic back to life. She lies limp on the table as one of the doctors pounds her chest while another pumps oxygen. Then, someone shouts clear and all doctors move their hands away from her as the defibrillator delivers a shock. Lucas hadn’t even registered he was moving until Montgomery’s hand grabs onto his shoulder. Gibson, too, is ready to pull him back. The door shuts in his face._

_Warren hobbles in on his crutches, followed by his wife who sticks her head in and then turns to them._

_“They managed to resuscitate her, but they’ll be taking her to surgery soon. She has an epidural hematoma, so Dr. Shepherd is going to operate.” He doesn’t hear what she says next, he just stands there. And, then, he’s pulled back as the door to the trauma room opens and doctors are pushing the gurney through. Lucas’ throat constricts as he reaches for her, but Gibson and Montgomery’s grips on him tighten._

_“Victoria,” he managed to choke out._

He hears the movement of boots and looks up to find Montgomery, teary-eyed and worried standing in front of him. The younger man sinks down to the ground beside him and Lucas wipes away – tries to – wipe away his own tears. [He’s not very successful].

“The waiting room was getting too crowded. Dr. DeLuca came in with an update. They’ve got the bleed under control and they’re closing now. We’ll probably be able to see her soon,” Montgomery tells him. Lucas sighs in relief, his shoulders relaxing. His head drops again for a second before he looks up at Montgomery.

“Thanks, Travis,” he says softly. Travis lays his hand on his shoulder in comfort.

“I am so sorry,” he breathes, voice almost breaking. “I shouldn’t have sent her in.” Travis shakes his head.

“You didn’t know. You didn’t know that building would explode. The other crews had swept. Two people had to go in either-”

“I fucked up,” he says harshly and Travis, for the first time, meets his eyes. “If she- if something- if she doesn’t-”

“You can’t think like that right now,” the other man says. “ _I_ can’t think like that right now either.” Lucas nods.

“I won’t ever forgive myself.”

“I know,” Travis says easily.

“I love her. I’m in love with her. I’m- I’m crazy in love with her and if she-”

“I know, Ripley. I know,” Travis says comfortingly.

Sullivan appears several minutes later. He hesitates, but Lucas looks up immediately and so does Travis.

“She’s out. They’re taking her to the ICU now; hopefully we can see her,” Robert says and Lucas breathes out a sigh of relief.

“Thanks, Sully,” Lucas says, clasping onto Robert’s extended hand as the other man hauls him to his feet. Travis follows suit and the three men make their way to the waiting area to join the rest of 19.

A pale brunette with short hair appears before them.

“Hi, I’m Dr. Shepherd. I was Vic’s surgeon,” she says softly, smiling pleasantly at them. “The surgery went very well and her ICP is within the normal range for the moment. However, we won’t know more until she wakes up. Warren here told me she doesn’t have any family around, so I’m gonna let you all in for a few minutes one at a time. You can sit with her for a few minutes, but she should rest for the next 24 hours. When she wakes up, she could suffer from certain side effects, but I’m hopeful that she’ll make a full recovery. If there are side effects, we’ll do our best to figure out a solution,” Dr. Shepherd says calmly, smiling slightly at them. “So, who’s first?”

“I’m her boyfriend,” Lucas blurted and Dr. Shepherd chuckled. The rest of 19 didn’t protest.

“Okay, then follow me,” she said, leading him to the ICU.

Lucas couldn’t contain the gasp that escaped him when he saw Vic. She was lying in a hospital bed, a bandage around her head as tubes and wires surrounded every inch of her body. Inhaling sharply, Lucas slowly made his way to the chair next to Vic’s bed and took her hand in his. Her hand was soft and warm in his own as he held it tightly between both of his. And, then he started to properly cry.

He dropped his head and pressed a soft kiss to her hand and continued to hold it, murmuring softly, “please wake up. Just wake up, Victoria. I love you. I love you so much. Please, just wake up, baby.” Tears continued to stream down his face, his vision was blurry, but he couldn’t look away from Vic’s face.

Eventually, Dr. Shepherd came in with Travis and it took everything in him to let go of her hand so Travis could sit with her as well when all he wanted to do was stay with her. Lucas’ heart broke as he watched Travis break at his best friend’s bedside.

Sullivan came and dragged him to the bathroom so Lucas could wash his face. [He looked like shit].

“How is she?” Andy and Maya asked when the two of them returned to the waiting area. Lucas gulped.

“Still asleep. Montgomery’s with her now,” he manages to say as he sinks down on one of the chairs. His gaze drifted around the hospital and he noticed through the giant windows it was already dark out. Upon checking his watch, he saw that it was almost 2200.

[They’d spent the better part of the day after the fire waiting during Vic’s surgery]. Andy and Maya, Miller and Gibson, and even Sullivan went to sit with Vic for a while before the 19ers decided to get food. Lucas dozed off for a bit, but wakes up due to the discomfort of the hospital chair and a gentle hand on his shoulder.

His watch reads 2355.

Dr. Shepherd lets him stay with Vic.

“I’d want the guy I love to sit there with me, too,” she said as she closed the door to Vic’s ICU room. Lucas sat down again and reached to take Vic’s hand. He gripped her gently, his thumb rubbing circles against her knuckles.

“I love you so much,” he said softly, pressing a kiss to her knuckles. [Dr. Shepherd told him he should talk to her]. “You have no idea how much I love you. I think… I think I first felt something for you when you yelled at me that first time. And, then, at the peer support group after the skyscraper, when you apologized to me… That was when I saw who you were for the first time. That’s when I felt something for you that I hadn’t felt in a long time. And, since Miller’s birthday… I think I’ve been falling in love with you more and more since then. After my second wife cheated on me and my marriage imploded… I hadn’t been interested in anyone. I’d closed myself off. Until you. You just… you surprised me. You’re funny, loyal, beautiful, kind and I just fell for you. And, sometimes that scares me, you know? Especially because if this ends badly it will affect so many things. But also, because I’m afraid you might break my heart…” he trails off, takes a deep breath in and presses another soft kiss to Vic’s hand. He’s eyelids drift closed as he sits with her and he lets his head drop on the bed, nestling into her side.

He feels movement and his eyes flutter open. His watch reads 0435.

“Vic? Victoria?” he asks, voice edgy with panic. His fingers tremble as they press the call button, but his eyes don’t leave her face. Her eyes are still closed, she’s barely fluttering them open and she’s barely moving, but she is waking up and that’s all he cares about.

It was all a blur as Dr. Shepherd and an intern rushed in to assess, and he was pushed out of the room. But, he couldn’t go far, he just lingered there, Montgomery with him while the rest of 19 waited outside the ICU. Through the glass, he watched the doctors and nurses prod and extubate her.

And, then, Dr. Shepherd emerged, “she’s fine, a little groggy, but you can go in and say hi. I’ll be right outside.” She patted his shoulder, but Lucas couldn’t move. Montgomery stood in the doorway and he nudged him gently. When Lucas made no indication to move, frozen as he stared at Vic through the glass, Montgomery grabbed his arm, dragging him inside.

“Hey…” he said softly, barely able to articulate the words properly.

“H- hi, Chief,” she said softly and Lucas furrowed his eyebrows. “Travis? I thought you- you had a penetrating wound to the chest-” she started, staring at her best friend in shock and bewilderment.

“Wh- what?” Unlike him, Travis could form words. “What are you talking about?”

“The skyscraper. I found you in the stairwell, you were bleeding all over my boots,” she said, a hint of panic in her voice. Lucas froze.

“Vic, what are you saying? That was months – almost a year – ago,” Travis said, moving to stand closer to his best friend.

“Wh- what?” Now, it was Vic’s turn to ask be confused. “I- II remember- oh, Chief, I’m sorry I yelled at you,” she says and Lucas can only stare. He opens his mouth to say something, but no words come out. “I remember getting out of the skyscraper with you and Dean and then the Chief-” her cheeks redden in embarrassment. “Then, there’s another explosion ad everything goes black. What’s happening?” she asks in distress.

“Vic, do you not remember anything the past couple of months? After the skyscraper?” Travis asks, glancing over to Lucas. He can feel his heart break into a million pieces. Lucas doesn’t have to look at Vic to know that her reply is negative to Travis’ question. Instead, he turns around, mumbles a goodbye and flees the room, muttering “she doesn’t remember anything for the past nine months,” as he walks past Dr. Shepherd. [He doesn’t want to find out what happens when Dr. Shepherd goes inside the room]. The rest of the team are in the waiting area, but he doesn’t stop to tell them that Vic’s awake. He brushes past them, past Sullivan, with only one thought in mind. _I need to get out of here._  

* * *

As Lucas stands in Sullivan’s embrace, he makes a decision about his relationship with Victoria that will change their lives forever.

_In the quiet hours, when the lights are out_  
_And my mind is free to wander_  
_As the embers burn and the planets turn_  
_We just carry on, I wonder_


	2. Photographs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lucas struggles with his decision and relieves moments from his relationship with Victoria.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, my brain couldn't concentrate on writing my public law essay until I wrote this. Enjoy!

Beads of sweat coated his brow as he propelled his body forward, fists hitting the punching bag with force. He was exhausted and his mind was elsewhere, but it felt as if he managed to keep his thoughts and memories quiet with each punch. [If only for a few seconds]. He grunted as another memory invaded his mind, pushing his body forward, fists hitting the punching bag once again.

_She was laughing, that blissful, carefree smile he adored plastered on her face as they sat in a booth in ‘their’ diner. Despite the looks they received from the manager and the fact that Vic continued to call her bed ‘their place’, they continued to come to the diner every one or two weeks. Lucas knew she was mostly doing it for him; she once told him she liked him so relaxed here._

_They had been there for the better part of an hour, but neither of them wanted to leave. He was telling her about a particular call from back in the day when he and Sullivan where at 88, and she was laughing, head thrown back, curls cascading down her shoulders, eyes twinkling with amusement and delight. [Lucas himself didn’t think he was being particularly funny or that the story itself was, but Victoria’s smile and laugher were contagious]._

Another punch, and the memory was pushed to the back of his mind.

The door to the small gym at Headquarters opened forcefully and Lucas grunted. He wasn’t in the mood to deal with anyone and said so.

“Hello to you, too, Chief Grumpy,” Frankel’s voice came through and he turned to find her standing in front of him, wearing leggings and a long sleeved workout shirt. Lucas sighed and ran a hand through his hair. “I thought I was known to be ornery. Word around the department is that the Chief is nice, soft spoken, calm and pleasant,” she quipped, standing across from him, hands on her hips. “Correction, it used to be that. What happened?”

“Nothing, I’m fine,” he grunted and threw another punch at the punching bag. Deb Frankel had known him for years and she wasn’t someone who gave up easily, so she came to stand beside him.  

Lucas kicked the punching bag before taking his gloves off and turned to Frankel.

“What do you want me to say?” he sighed, running his hand through his hair.

“How are you holding up?” Frankel asked, her expression a mixture of concern and sympathy. [She hadn’t looked at him like that since the day Eva delivered divorce papers to the station they were both at].

“I’m fine,” Lucas said, but they both knew he was lying. Frankel grabbed one of the medicine balls lying around and tossed it to him.

“Really?” she asked.

“I just- she got hurt and it made me realize that I was the one to put her in the position to be hurt, so I took myself out of the equation,” he said before tossing the ball back at her. She caught it easily, and raised an eyebrow.

“Wasn’t she supposed to be your big love?”

He caught the ball being hurled back at him, “she was. Is. But, I couldn’t stand it. I looked into her eyes, expecting- I don’t know… I found the look a subordinate gives their chief. No affection, no emotion, nothing at all, and I just couldn’t bear it.” He threw the ball to her and she caught it.

Frankel made no comment as she tossed the ball back.

“So you just left?” she asked finally, catching the ball being tossed back at her.

“Kind of,” he said, slightly sheepish.

“What the hell is wrong with you? Who in their right mind leaves the woman they claim is the love of their life while she’s healing from brain surgery?” Lucas had never had Frankel yell at him, but right now she was. Angrily, she hurled the ball at him and it hit the wall. Lucas sighed, picking it up and leaned against the wall, spinning the ball in his hands.

“The last thing she remembers is the skyscraper and yelling at me,” he whispers and looks at the floor.

Frankel chuckles, but stops when she sees the hurt look on his face. “Isn’t that how it started between the two of you?” she quips.

“But, everything after that? She doesn’t remember any of it. She doesn’t know the me that…” he trails off. “Look, I know she loves me and I love her. But, I think she’s better off without me.” And, even as he says the words, he can feel his heart break.

“Well, that’s stupid,” Frankel remarked, matter of fact.

“Just leave it alone, Deb,” he said, tossing the medicine ball towards her. She caught it with ease, spun it between her fingers and threw it back.

“Have you thought about her? Would she want this?”

“Of course, I’ve thought about her. All I’ve been able to think is about her!” he snapped and Frankel, for the first time since he’d met her, was taken aback. He threw the medicine ball at the ground with force, and it bounced several times. “I didn’t- it was the hardest thing I ever had to do. I haven’t even picked up my stuff from her apartment. I spent all of yesterday packing her things from my house. But, if me not telling her about our relationship and staying away for a little while helps her heal, then I have to be okay with it. I’m doing it for her. And, for my sanity. Because I don’t think I could bear her knowing, but not feeling anything for me!”

“Alright, why don’t we talk about something else?” she recovered quickly, picking up the ball and tossing it back at him. Lucas nodded, and let Frankel distract him with another budget meeting. [He wasn’t entirely distracted, but he was grateful to Deb for trying].

* * *

Lucas sighed, running a hand through his hair. He was trying to focus on his paperwork, but he couldn’t. Not when he wanted to be anywhere but in his office. But, really there was no point for him to be at the hospital anymore. He would go when Vic was discharged as he did with other injured firefighters. [She wasn’t just any other firefighter, but Lucas tried not to think of that].

Despite deciding to erase himself from her life, his resolve had died when he’d dropped by while she was asleep. He couldn’t help himself. He’d sat with her for a while, her hand warm in his, familiar. He’d left before she could wake up though. [He didn’t think he’d be able to bear explaining himself to her].

He’d learned from Montgomery that she’d gained some memories back, but when he dropped by and saw the lack of recognition and the confusion on her face, his heart sank. For a while he tried to hope that she might remember him, remember them and they would simply go back to how things were. But, that hope had died down after a week, and he’d settled to spend time with her when she was asleep and he could simply hold her hand. He never stayed long, but her warm hand in his was enough to keep him sane that first week.

When that first week had ended, however, Lucas’ nightly visits to Vic’s room had slowly ceased, too.

He slammed the folder shut and threw the pen on the table. It was 1630 and he had no more meetings scheduled. He’d spent most of his morning in the gym, then attended a few meetings with Frankel and the other Battalion Chiefs, and then when he had nothing to do, he’d retreated to his office to do paperwork. [He was becoming desperate for a distraction from his thoughts].

He managed to finish his paperwork an hour later.

He was going to drive himself home and go for a run to clear his head, but as he decided to do it then.

_I can’t keep postponing it,_ he thought as he swerved. Vic was going to be discharged soon, and there was too much of him, too much of them, at her apartment.

Vic’s apartment was quiet, for obvious reasons, when he entered and Lucas sighed as he closed the door. Their relationship was imprinted everywhere in her apartment. There were framed photos around the living room – them laughing, at team breakfasts, family dinners with his mum and siblings, camping trips, a vacation, quiet moments just between the two of them. His mug is on the coffee table where he’d left it and there’s a jar of vegemite in one of the kitchen cupboards. There’s a few boxes in the living room, with some of Vic’s books already inside them. [She had said yes to moving in with him].

Lucas steeled himself and made his way towards the bedroom, wincing at the onslaught of memories as he entered the room where he and Vic had spent most of their time together. He walked to the set of drawers in front of the bed and opened the second one to find most of his close. The rest of them were in the wardrobe he shared with Vic.

He gazed at the photos on top of the dresser. In between a few decorations and the antique-style lamp, there was a photo of the two of them and Lucas’ heart clenched as he picked it up, fingers gently running over Vic’s face. She looked so beautiful in that moment, all blissful, and delighted, and loving. They were facing each other, his arms wrapped around her waist, her hand resting on his shoulders. He was smiling and she was laughing, head dipped back, spiral curls a halo around her head, the blinding sun in their faces, the sky a bright blue behind them.

He remembers that day, a barbeque at his sister’s house, his entire family with them. _They had been playing tag with his nieces and nephews, but he’d at one point decided to chase her, and she’d run, giggling and squealing before he’d finally caught her._ His sister had captured the moment on camera and must have given it to Vic.

His gaze then drifted to the nightstands on each side of Vic’s bed. One of them had become his; his books, a few trinkets, a glass of water, a few papers and pens from the last time he’d worked while Vic slept sitting atop of it. On Vic’s side was a photo of Vic and her sister. On his side was another photo of the two of them. This one was more intimate, his arms wrapped around her waist from behind her, his head turned to whisper something in her ear. Vic had wrapped her own hand around the back of his neck, and had turned towards him, her lips inches away from his. They were outside too, except it was sunset, the sun casting a golden-orange glow on their faces.

A lone tear fell as Lucas remembered that particular memory. His siblings had dropped their children at his mum’s and all the adults had gathered for a small beach party.

_The water was freezing and it was cold even for June, but Vic was wearing shorts and a tank top, her hair lose, flying in tendrils from the slight breeze. Lucas was in shorts and an SFD t-shirt and hoodie. Waves crashed behind them, washing over their feet and they jumped slightly in surprise at how_

_“Aren’t you cold?” he asked from behind her, leaning down to whisper in her ear._

_“N-no,” she’d answered, but even as she did, she shivered and Lucas smirked._

_He took off his Station 12 hoodie and draped it over her, lips curling into a delighted smile at the sight of her wearing his clothes._

_She smiled gratefully and turned to whisper, “thanks, Luke,” and his lips were inches from hers. He leaned down slightly and was about to brush his lips against hers when the clicking of the camera startled him. But, Vic didn’t mind, because after the camera clicked, she leaned up and brushed her own lips against his, bringing her other hand up to cup his cheek, leaning into his embrace._

Lucas shook his head, willing the memory to go away. Instead, he made his put his duffel bag on her bed and made his way to the dresser, pulling clothes out of it angrily, tossing them inside the duffel bag. His casual clothes were followed by two sets of uniforms he kept at her place, then his books and the two framed photos. He enters the ensuite bathroom and grabs his toiletries, tossing them inside the duffel bag.

He finds one of his old station 88 t-shirts in her drawer and a few printed photos of them on her nightstand.

He unpacks her half-packed boxes and uses them for his books and paperwork as well as his running shoes and puffer jacket along with whatever else he finds.

One of his sweaters that he knows she liked because it smelled him, is thrown on the couch. Now, it smells more like her – grapefruit – than him and he buries his nose in it before tossing it in the duffel bag.

He puts the other pictures of them in one of the boxes, atop his books.

Most of their pictures were candid and taken by his sister Sophie. His sister had a knack for catching him and Vic having an intimate moment at various family occasions.  

There were, however, a few photos that had been taken by Bishop. One was at Christmas, a few months ago. Lucas had managed to stop Victoria in the middle of her third eggnog and they’d snuck into Bishop’s guest room. When they came out, Lucas had looked up and noticed mistletoe hung above them and kissed her, the first time he had initiated affection around her teammates. Bishop had captured several shots of the moment on camera and given it to them for New Year’s.

_“You wanna lock the door?” she asked, teasingly, eyes holding that mischievous glint, teeth lightly grazing her lower lip. He chuckled._

_“Your entire crew is out there,” he tried to protest._

_“So?” she asked, batting her eyelashes at him. He shook his head with laughter._

_And, then, her mouth was on his and his hands were on her hips as he pushed her against the door. Her hands drifted to his shoulders, then his collar, fingers fumbling with the buttons of his shirt as he kissed her back, tongue slipping into her mouth. Then, his fingers drifted to the hem of her blouse and they broke away briefly so he could lift her top up. Vic’s hands cupped his cheeks, pulling him towards her, her lips crushing against his. Their tongues tangled together as Lucas’ fingers drifted up, tangling in her curls. Briefly, they pulled away, foreheads resting against each other._

_“I love you,” Vic whispered headily, smiling at him in pure bliss, her eyes dark with lust._

_“I love you too, Victoria,” he whispered back before pulling slightly away from her, letting her push his sweater off. She fumbled a little with the buttons of his shirt as his own fingers drifted over her skin, skating up her back, reaching to unclasp her bra._

_And, then, her lips were on his, soft and steady, and she tasted of eggnog and spice and Lucas was dizzy with her. Her scent, her taste, the feel of her skin beneath his fingers, the softness of her hair, tendrils curling around his fingers as he pressed his body impossibly close to hers._

_“Lucas,” she whispered as he trailed open mouth kisses along her jaw line, down her neck. She let out a soft giggle as his beard tickled her skin, and her fingers threaded through his hair, her palm pressing against the bag of his neck. “Lucas, you’re pretty lovable and I am loving all of this, but you’re also the Chief. And, those are my teammates who have ears. And, you’re their Chief, and-”_

_He breaks away and lets out a sigh, resting his forehead against hers, panting heavily._

_“You’re the one who told me to lock the door,” he said hoarsely._

_“I know,” she replied, cupping his cheek with her hand. “I just…”_

_“I’m sorry, I just- I can’t get enough of you,” he admits, voice low and husky. Vic chuckles, beams at him and then kisses him again, firmly._

_“I’m not complaining. I just don’t want to traumatize my teammates. But, we can definitely continue at home,” she whispered headily, eyes dark with lust. Lucas grinned. “Now, you mentioned you needed to tell me something important? Or, was that just an excuse for this?” she smirked mischievously at him._

_“Well, this was very much appreciated, but there is something else. In a minute,” he said and pulled away from her, grabbing his shirt from where she’d thrown it. Then, his sweater while Vic put on her bra and her blouse._

_He pulled the medium sized jewelry box from a bag and handed it to her. He’d planned giving it earlier, then later, but she’d never looked more beautiful than in that moment, all glowing, and happy, and loving, slightly flushed, eyes wide._

_He turned, nervous butterflies settling in the pit of his stomach._

_“I, um, well, I used to give my previous wives gifts to make up for missing anniversaries, and dinners, and putting my job first. But, I wasn’t really sure about giving something to you because of how it might be perceived, what with me having rank and being older than you, but also because nothing’s ever felt more real than with you. But, well, I thought maybe I could make an exception for Christmas…” he trailed off nervously, eyes drifting to meet her curious gaze. “Technically, it’s our second Christmas together, but we weren’t really together last year, and I, well… Anyway, this is for you. I hope you like it. Because I like you. And, sometimes, I want to show you by buying you nice jewelry, but if-” She pressed her lips to his, firm and soft, cutting him off from rambling. [He didn’t usually ramble]._

_She gasped when she opened the box, revealing a pendant with a heart charm that had ‘spice’ engraved in the middle._

_“Luke…” she gasped, eyes watery with tears._

_And, she leans up for another kiss, one hand cupping his cheek, drawing him to her._

_“I love it,” she whispers when they break away. “Not as much as I love you… it’s perfect, thank you.”_

_“Merry Christmas, Victoria,” he says softly. “I think you’re pretty lovable, too.”_

_He helps her put it on, licking his lips when she shivers beneath his touch._

_They kiss again, both of them sort of crashing into each other, fingers tangled in each other’s hair, bodies pressed against each other, tongues tangled together. They pull away hesitantly and she runs a hand through her hair, re-touches her makeup. She tries straightening his hair, but says she likes it as it is. There isn’t much he can say to that._

_They lace their fingers together and he unlocks the door, emerging into the living room, but Lucas stops short upon seeing the mistletoe hanging above their heads._

_“Look up,” he whispers, and Vic smirks mischievously upon seeing the mistletoe hanging above them. He leans down to kiss her gently, but she deepens the kiss, hands wrapped around his neck, pulling him closer. He kisses her earnestly, fingers tangled in her hair, tugging gently before skating down her back and wrapping his hands around her waist._

_When they pull away, they’re both flushed and gazing deeply into each other’s eyes. Vic’s hands are resting on his shoulders; his hands are resting loosely on her hips._

_The click of a camera makes them pull away from each other, and his arm wraps around her waist as Vic hides her face in his chest, though he sees the hint of an impish smile. Lucas blushes a thousand shades of red and the camera clicks again._

He lets out a ragged breath as he puts the photo in the box. Vic kept the one of them right after the kiss and gave him the one with both of them slightly embarrassed for Valentine’s Day.

There is one photo they’d posed for by the TV and Lucas sighs upon noticing it. It was their latest photo, taken during the New Year’s party with his family. Vic had been free for Christmas (she’d finished her shift on Christmas Eve) and somehow she’d also managed to be free New Year’s Eve, but had had to go to work on the 1st. They’d celebrated New Year’s Eve with his family, then he’d managed to drag (coax) her to see the fireworks, then they’d gone for drinks with her crew. The photo had been taken during New Year’s Dinner with his family. It was in front of the Christmas tree, in the living room of his mum’s house. Fairy lights cast a nice, golden glow and their arms were wrapped around each other. They were both smiling, Vic’s head was tilted up slightly towards him. It was lovely. [Lucas’ heart broke upon seeing it].

_“C’mon, Lucas, please,” Vic tried to convince him, tugging him towards the living room. Sophie was already standing with the camera in her hands. Everyone else was regarding them amused, having already been subjected to Sophie’s photo frenzy. “Pretty please,” she said, her brown eyes wide, lower lip jutting out in a pout. And, then she batted her eyelashes at him and Lucas sighed in defeat._

_Sophie clapped her hands in delight._

_“You can frame one and keep it in your office,” Vic added as she led him towards the living room. Lucas shook his head._

_“I already have a picture of you in my office,” he said, though he let her position him next to the Christmas tree._

_“I know, but a picture of us would be nice, too,” she said before coming to stand beside him._

_“It’s your fault the pictures of you two together are inappropriate for the office of the Fire Chief,” Sophie chimed in, smirking._

_“Okay, I see your point,” he conceded._

_He put his arm around her, pulling her slightly towards him._

_“Relax, mate,” Lucas’ brother in law (Sophie’s husband) said beside his wife. Vic put her arms around him, leaning into him. Lucas put his other arm around her, returning the embrace. They smiled while Sophie took the photo._

_“I love you,” Vic whispered, tilting her head towards him. Lucas smiled gently._

_The camera clicked again._

_“I love you, too,” he said and pressed his lips to her temple._

Lucas shook his head and set the photo in one of the boxes. The rest of the pictures were of Vic with her team, except for one of the two of them along with his family at Christmas brunch before Bishop’s party. He was wearing a woolen sweater that Vic deemed ridiculous (but, he knew she secretly found cute) with the words _‘I’m all about gingerbread…’_ engraved in cursive on the front. Vic was standing beside him, in a nice skirt and a sweater that matched his, completing the sentence with the _‘…spice’_ engraved on the front along with a gingerbread man. Their arms were wrapped around each other, his entire family around them, one of his nieces standing in front of Vic.

There was another photo of the two of them along with all of 19 at Bishop and Herrera’s Christmas Bash, all of them holding Christmas themed glasses of eggnog.

He put the two photos in the box along with the others.

There was another photo of the two of them at 19’s Christmas Eve dinner. Lucas always visited all the stations on Christmas Eve and 19 had been last on his list. He’d been wearing a ridiculous Christmas sweater that had Sullivan and Miller in guffaws while the crew of 19 was wearing their uniforms, and there were Christmas decorations everywhere. Vic was wearing a cute Santa hat when they’d noticed they were standing in front of some mistletoe. The team had been teasing them all evening and Vic had pulled him in for a kiss that had surprised him and left the taste of hot chocolate lingering on his lips.

_The team laughed and Lucas rolled his eyes._

_“You might wanna look up, man,” Sullivan said with an amused smirk, standing beside Herrera. Lucas looked up and saw the mistletoe. He leaned down to peck Vic on the lips – they weren’t very comfortable being affectionate around her team – but was caught by surprise when Vic’s hands cupped her cheeks, pulling him towards her. And, then, her lips were on his, warm and firm, and tasting of hot chocolate. Lucas was taken aback slightly, but he recovered quickly, bringing his hands up to cup her cheeks, fingers tangling in her hair as he kissed her back. The kiss was heady and intense, their tongues tangling together. At Miller’s whoop and Montgomery’s applause, they broke away, and Vic buried her head in his chest as he kept an arm around her waist._

_“Now, that that’s over, can we eat?” Vic said to her team, trying to sound irritated, but he knew she was really smug about it._

Neither of them had noticed that Bishop had managed to capture their kiss on camera until Bishop had gifted them the framed photo of their mistletoe-prompted kiss the next day.

Lucas looked around the living room, noting that there were no more photos of them together. He found a book of his on the coffee table along with some paperwork, and he picked it up with a heavy sigh.

Satisfied with the living room, Lucas made his way to the kitchen. Beside the jar of vegemite, there wasn’t much belonging to him in kitchen. There was another framed photo of him and Vic, this one at station. They were sitting in the Day Room and Vic face was buried in the crook of his neck, half hiding, his lips brushing against her temple, one arm wrapped loosely around her waist. She’d been crying and he’d never seen her so upset, and his heart hurt for her.

Bishop had been the sneaky photographer once again.

_“Where is she?” he demanded, keeping his tone calm, though there was an edge of panic in his voice._

_“She’s in the Day Room. She’s calmed down a bit, Montgomery’s with her,” Sullivan said and Lucas raced past him, bounding the stairs two at a time. He found her and Montgomery in the Day Room, Montgomery’s arms wrapped around her as she sobbed in his arms. Lucas’ heart broke upon seeing her and he entered slowly._

_“Hey,” he said softly, crouching in front of the couch. Vic pulled away from Montgomery’s embrace and he pulled her in his arms. He exchanged a look with Travis, before replacing him on the couch, keeping his arms firmly wrapped around Vic._

_“Shhh,” he whispered softly, running his hands up and down her bag, gently patting her hair. “Victoria, I’m so sorry,” he whispered in her ear._

_Eventually, Vic had calmed down, but he’d stayed, his arms wrapped around her, kissing her hair and murmuring words of comfort._

_And, then, her voice broke through the silence, soft, and raw, and vulnerable, “she really reminded me of my mom,” she said and Lucas’ heart broke for her. There was nothing he could really say, so he drew her closer and kissed her temple._

Lucas put that last picture of the two of them having an intimate moment in the box. There were a few more photos on the fridge; them with her team, them with his family, and one of him when they’d gone camping. He looked… content, in his element.

Lucas’ gaze swept over the room, and once he determined that there were no more photos, he started checking the kitchen for any items of his or anything that would give away their relationship. Vic’s favorite mug that said ‘It’s all about the spice’ was by the sink and he picked it up with a sigh. He’d been the one to give it to her after he’d broken her old favorite. He set it back down.

A jar of vegemite was next to a bottle of maple glaze in one of the kitchen cupboards and Lucas picked it up, packing it.

And, once there was no evidence of him or them in Vic’s apartment, Lucas put back all the things that were Vic’s, but had migrated to his house.

The keys she’d given him for Christmas jingled in his hand as he locked the door for the last time.

He loaded everything in his truck and jumped into the driver’s seat. His phone rang.

“Montgomery,” Lucas breathed, running a hand through his hair.

“Hey, Ripley,” Travis greeted softly.

“It’s done. I’m done,” he said with finality in his voice.

“Are you sure? Are you really sure?” Travis asked and Lucas knew why. He shook his head despite Travis not being able to see it. [Maybe that was better].

“Yes, I am. She’s… she’s better off without me,” he said, his voice almost breaking, though he kept it steady and firm. “She’ll heal more easily.”

“Okay, then. She’ll be discharged tomorrow. See you then,” Travis said curtly, but Lucas understood. They exchanged goodbye’s and hung up.

Lucas was numb as he drove home and put the box of photos and various trinkets in the garage. He couldn’t bear opening it.

He decides to go for a run to calm down, pushing himself farther than ever before, but even after he returns sweaty and out of breath, his chest on fire, he feels unsettled and restless.

Sleep doesn’t come easy that night. He’s plagued by images of the fire, Victoria yelling and begging him to do something, anything and save her. He wakes up sweaty, tears staining his cheeks, gasping for air. The explosion continues to still ring in his ears long after he’s awake. And, he no longer has Victoria to comfort him.

Lucas had been dealing with PTSD, and the nightmares that occurred as a result, by himself for years. But for a while now, Victoria had always been there to comfort him. For a while now, he hadn’t been alone.

He hates how dependent he’d become on her, on the stability their relationship offered. He hadn’t even realized it, but at one point Victoria Hughes had become his whole world.

* * *

He pushes the part of him that is Lucas, that is in love with Victoria Hughes, to the back of his mind as he walks into Grey Sloan. The crew of 19 are all assembled, giving him sympathetic smiles as he walks into the waiting area.

“Hi,” he says softly, trying to muster up a smile. He knows he fails.

“Chief,” they all greet somberly.

“Hey, man,” Sullivan says and Lucas nods.

“Just take care of her, alright?” he requests, looking up to meet their eyes.

“Yes, sir,” they chorus.

Lucas walks at the back of the group, beside Sullivan to Vic’s room and the moment his eyes settle on her, he feels like he can’t breathe.

“Hi, Chief,” she greets him, tone light. He forces a smile onto his face, meets her gaze.

“Hey, Hughes,” he manages to get out. “How are you feeling?”

“Like a building collapsed on top of me,” she quips and he winces. “I’m missing a nearly a year of my life, but all in all I’m feeling peachy,” she adds and he can hear the sarcasm in her voice.

“Well, I’m-” he cuts himself off, not sure of what to say. She smiles effortlessly at him, unaware of the effect of her smile on him. He recovers quickly, “I hear it’s temporary. And, I’m glad you’re otherwise okay.”

Conversation drifts around him and Lucas pretends to be listening, but he’s not really hearing the words. Instead, he’s watching her, trying to memorize every detail about her, desperately, as she if she’s slipping between his fingers.

They shake hands with the doctors, and then he trails along with the rest of 19, talking to Sullivan about budget. He appreciates his best friend’s effort, even if they are in vain.

“Well, I hope you get all your memories back, Hughes,” he says as he shakes her hand.

“Yeah, maybe, we’ll see,” she says, teasingly. “Apparently I yelled at you again? I’d rather not remember that,” she teases again and a small smile tugs at the corner of his lips.

“Yeah, maybe,” he shrugs. “Get well, Hughes,” he says firmly before exchanging goodbyes with Sullivan and the rest of 19.


	3. Puzzle Pieces

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Vic is trying to fit the puzzle pieces of her memories and she finds out soemthing that throws her off. Then, Lucas has a big reveal.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one starts a bit blah (to use Andy's words), but I like the last couple of scenes. I hope you do too.  
> Enjoy!

1 ½ months later

Her memories were all bits and pieces, jumbled together like a puzzle Vic couldn’t quite figure out.

_She could remember the adrenaline rushing through her veins as she rushed down the stairs. The panic, the terror that arose when she found her best friend lying in a pool of his blood. “Travis? Travis? Oh my God! Oh my God! Trav? Trav? It’s okay. Okay.” She was panting, gasping for air, terrified as she fumbled to find his pulse. “Have a pulse. Please have pulse,” she chanted desperately._

It was weird waking up to find that her best friend was totally fine, healed from heart surgery. It was even stranger that almost a year had passed since the skyscraper. She’d woken up to the Chief and Travis in front of her, both looking relieved, but exhausted. [Apparently, she’d been sleeping for almost 24 hours. Later, the entire team entered, Andy and Maya both hugging her, crying, while Dean and Jack also hugged her, Dean practically crushing her. Warren hobbled in the next day.

In her head, the skyscraper was all a jumbled mess. Getting out of the building with Dean, carrying an unconscious Travis. She could remember yelling at Ripley, followed by another explosion, then riding in the Aid Car to Grey Sloan Memorial. Travis had coded twice on the way.

_“We’ll get through this. We’ll get through this. Come on,” she’d chanted as she dragged Travis down the stairs. Travis groaned._

_“All right. All right. We’ll get through this. We’ll get through this. We’ll get through this. We’ll get through this,” she chanted, panting as she dragged him slowly down the stairs. She looked up when she heard metal creaking and quickened her pace. “We’ll get through this,” she whispered._

She stood in her kitchen, holding a cup of coffee in her hands as she sang the teapot song to calm her nerves. Her stomach flipped, and she felt the sudden urge to throw up so she rushed to her bathroom.

It had been a month and a half since she’d woken up in the hospital, so Vic couldn’t connect the nausea and vomiting with the accident. And, Dr. Shepherd had given her the all-clear to return to active duty a few days ago. She’d been allowed to work reception and do light physical training after being discharged. Then, she was cleared for Aid Car. But, she’d honestly missed active duty firefighting and her stomach was in knots with excitement as she got ready for work.

_Maybe it’s the Chinese Trav and I had last night_ , she thought as she brushed her teeth. She grabbed her bag before locking the door and rushed to her car, butterflies of excitement still swarming in her stomach. She pretended to ignore the pit of nervousness in her stomach as she sauntered into the Beanery or the two pregnancy tests at the bottom of her bag.

And, then, she stopped short upon entering the Beanery and froze. Chief Ripley was standing there, chatting with Captain Sullivan while the rest of the team ate their breakfast, chatting. Travis looked up when she entered, along with Ripley.

“Hughes, ah! Welcome back, I heard you’re all cleared for active duty,” Ripley said in a neutral tone, his lips quirking slightly into a soft smile as he sipped his coffee. Vic stood, mouth a little bit agape. Travis quirked an eyebrow.

“Oh, um, hi Ch- Chief,” she greeted, trying to sound normal. “Captain. Everyone.”

As she walked towards her teammates, she noticed Ripley barely glanced at her after greeting her

_“The hell do you care?” she muttered, turning away from him._

_“What was that?” he demanded, and she turned to face him, embracing the anger she felt._

_“I said, ‘What the hell do you care?’ You were willing to leave us all in there! You did leave us!” Her voice rises as he moves towards her and they lock gazes. Vic glares. “You evacuated the entire building with my whole team still inside!” The inflection is still present in her voice, but there’s an edge of panic in her voice. His jaw is set and his eyes are icy._

_“It’s protocol!” he says, voice calmer than hers, but she can hear the anger in it. She scoffs._

_“You could’ve made a different choice! But you didn’t. That’s my report,” she states, quitter this time. She’s about to turn away from him, follow to the Aid Car when he stops her._

_“There was no other choice,” he scoffs. He shakes his head. “You are eager, and you are loyal to your friends, but I don’t get that luxury. Not in my position,” he yelled back, and he almost sounded wistful. “What the hell do I care? More than you could possibly know?” she can almost hear a slight hint of hurt in his voice. He turns to leave. “And, Hughes?” he adds, turning back towards her. “The next time you come at me like that, you’re fired!” he snaps._

She sits beside Travis and joins in on the team’s conversation. Despite the fact that the team had tried to catch her up to things she didn’t remember, Vic couldn’t remember grasp everything. There was an air of awkwardness around the room as Andy tried telling her all about how she and Ryan ended.

“He wanted all these rules and regulations, and then, he just wanted easy, and I just got so confused!” she ranted. Maya chuckled, amused. “Anyways, it’s over. I’m happy now, though. And, I’m happy you’re back, Vic.” Vic smiled.

“Thanks, me too.”

Maya sighed for a second and exchanged a glance with Andy before facing her. She looked like she wanted to say something, but thought better of it.

“How are you doing? Remembering anything?” she asked and Vic could see Ripley freeze. She quirked one eyebrow in his direction before turning her attention to Maya and the rest of the team.

“Guys, it’s okay. My memories are, well, a work in progress. It’s all a… a mess,” she said softly looking over at her team. “I did remember some things after the last time y’all asked me. I remembered a rescue we did when a kid got lost in the sewers- I think? Dad was really worried and mom was dying? I don’t know why I just sort of… it was just there one day,” she says and she sees a bit of relief wash over her team’s faces.

“That was when Sullivan just started,” Andy said, exchanging a glance with Maya. “Before Travis came back to work,” she explained.

“I also remembered that a doctor from Grey Sloan gave me a number? Firefighter from 23? Mayhorn, I think?” It mostly sounded like a question. Mostly, because Vic couldn’t quite piece those little memories she’d remembered over the past few days. Her team erupted in laughter.

“That was DeLuca,” Warren said in answer to her question.

“God, having my journal would be so much easier!” she exclaimed suddenly. “I can’t find it anywhere,” she complained and Travis immediately raised an eyebrow. Ripley shook his head. Vic furrowed her eyebrow, confused. Her best friend was acting weird around the Chief. Come to think of it, everyone from her team was.

“Five more minutes to lineup!” Sullivan announced and all of them looked up. Vic sighed.

Captain Sullivan and the Chief left. Sullivan nodded at all of them and told her he was glad she was back. The Chief glanced briefly in her direction before leaving and Vic furrowed her eye brows.

The conversation immediately eased up, but Vic’s thoughts drifted away.

_She didn’t enjoy being bound to desk duty, but that was the only way Dr. Shepherd would let her step anywhere near the station. She glanced over at Warren who was, well, lingering. Apparently, since Warren was also ‘recovering’ he was babysitting._

_“Um, Warren? Can you not hover? I’m fine. I’m just sitting here waiting for a call or walk in,” she said, leaning back in her chair._

_“I’m not. Just making sure you’re alright,” Ben replied kindly. “But, I’ll just, um…” he trailed off when the Chief walked into the station._

_“Hughes! Glad you’re back!” Ripley greets, coming to stand by the desk._

_“Chief! Nice seeing you, sir,” she says, flashing him a smile. He smiled back, though there was no emotion behind it. “Come to check on me, too?” she teases easily._

_“Sorry, but no. I’m actually here to see Sullivan,” he says, looking up to meet her gaze. “Though, this is an added- it’s nice to see you’re okay.” He smiled nervously._

Sullivan called for them again, and Vic shook herself out of her reverie before racing after her teammates to the bay area, trying her best to avoid Ripley’s gaze.

* * *

Vic stares at the two pregnancy tests in front of her. The two _positive_ pregnancy tests. Panic surges in her as she realizes that she doesn’t even know who the father could be. She doesn’t remember anything for the past few months, much less the man who could’ve impregnated her.

She was on birth control, that much she knew, but there was always that 1%. And, Vic hated that she was that 1%. She shook her head. She would have to figure out who the possible father was and confront him about it. She picked up the two tests and finished in the bathroom, throwing up for what seemed like the tenth time that day before stashing the tests in her locker. As she closed it, she noticed a black jacket and a bag on one of the benches and idly wondered who it belonged to. Upon closer inspection, she realized they belonged to the chief. Usually, he stashed his things separately from everyone else’s, but Vic couldn’t rely on her idea of ‘usually’ so she picked them up and decided to take them to the Beanery. Or, Sullivan’s office.

The bag was very light, and it slipped when she picked it up, so Vic crouched immediately to grab what had fallen from it. Upon seeing that it was the Chief’s wallet, she really had no interest in it until-

Until the wallet opened slightly and a photo of her peeked out. Vic froze. She knew she really shouldn’t be doing what she was about to do, but really the photo was of herself, so she had to look.

The photo was taken at sunset, the sun shining from the side, casting a nice orange glow over her. She had her hair down and was wearing a bikini, with an old shirt over her, the sleeves rolled up. She was smiling, ridiculously, blissfully so as she was watching something behind the photographer. There was a glint of mischief in her eyes and pure happiness was written all over her face.

_Why the hell does the Chief have this photo?_ she thought, her fingers tracing over her expression. She couldn’t remember anything from this photo, so she assumed it had happened sometime after the skyscraper. Try as she might, she couldn’t quite grasp the puzzle pieces that were her memories. Staring at the photo she could kind of remember being on that beach, feeling that absolute happiness, but she couldn’t quite remember who was with her – she couldn’t see a face, but could kind of hear a voice.

_“The water’s amazing, babe!” someone shouted in the distance, voice slightly distorted though Vic could make out an Australian accent peeking through. She shook her head, laughing._

_“I only just got out!” she exclaimed, feeling the soft sand beneath her beach towel, the scorching sun shining down on her. There was a movement, and then she was laughing and telling the other person, “don’t! Don’t even think about it, you’re all wet! You’re terrible! You’re going to get me wet!”_

And, just as the person moved towards her, and she squinted to try and see who it was, the memory seemingly evaporated and Vic was back in the locker room, holding the photo of herself that she’d found in the Chief’s bag. One question rang in her mind; _why would the Chief have such an intimate photo of me?_

As she was about to put the photo back, another thought occurred to her; _what if he’s…_ but she quickly shook it off because it was so ridiculous it wasn’t even funny. Part of her wanted to confront him about it, but part of her wasn’t sure what exactly she would confront him about. Especially since the last time she had, well, talked at him he’d told her he’d fire her if she did it again. And, Vic was almost 100% sure she would end up talking at him. But, Vic wasn’t really a person to let things go and she knew she couldn’t put the picture back in and pretend she hadn’t seen it or that the reason she was constantly throwing up was because of Chinese takeout. Worse, she didn’t think she could face him after seeing the photo. After making her decision, she left his bag and jacket in the locker room and grabbed the photo, intending to go and confront him about it. But just as she was about to go in search of Ripley, the claxon sounded off, announcing another call. So, Vic just pocketed the photo and rushed off to join the others. A part of her thought about telling Sullivan about the positive sign on the pregnancy tests, but she decided against it.

Sullivan is dividing them into vehicles when Ripley comes in and decides on joining.

“They might call me anyways,” he says with a shrug. Sullivan rolls his eyes.

“Sure, Chief, always happy for the company,” he says before sending Warren and Montgomery on Aid Car, ordering her, Gibson, Miller and Bishop in the engine while he, Ripley and Andy take the ladder. Vic is thrilled to be back on engine and she and Miller hop in the back, letting the two lieutenants ride in the front.

“Do they even know we’re here?” Dean asks, nodding towards the front. Vic laughs.

The sexual tension, innuendos and flirting between Jack and Maya had been a surprise. Apparently, Maya had been there when Jack was struggling with PTSD and the two flirted, but of course nothing actually had happened between them. Yet, as far as Vic knew. Another thing Vic had learned, but one that hadn’t surprised her was that Maya had been promoted to lieutenant. She wondered if that was why Maya and Jack were just pretending and flirting and what would happen to Station 19 when it came to light.

“Nope,” she answered Dean instead, shrugging.

* * *

It’s a high rise fire in an apartment complex. The primary building had caught fire, but it had spread to the secondary buildings on either side and Sullivan immediately sent Miller, Gibson and Warren to the building to start evacuating while Maya and Travis set up the pump and hydrant. He asked her to do a one sixty of the perimeter while Andy and himself started defensive operations.

“Hughes!” Sullivan shouted into the radio. “How’s that 360?”

“All clear!” she reported.

“Alright, well, come back here!” Ripley shouted.

She raced back and found that Montgomery and Warren were setting up triage while Bishop, Herrera and Sullivan had started the offensive attack. Miller and Gibson were helping evacuate civilians and Vic noted that Ripley had yet to take command.

“Dispatch, we need two more additional units!” Ripley shouted into his radio, but it was clear that Sullivan was still bossing everyone as Vic came in.

“Hughes, good, you’re here!” Sullivan yelled as Bishop and Herrera directed their hoses at the building. “We need to get started on the vent, but there are still civilians inside. How do you want to dip your toes back in?” he didn’t wait for her to actually answer. “Go join Gibson on venting. Miller! You good with evac? Montgomery, join him!”

Vic raced to the engine and raced to put on her SCBA gear. Gibson and Miller had just brought two more victims when two other crews rolled in – station 12 and 23.

As she raced inside the building behind Gibson, she caught sight of the look on Ripley’s face.

_“Send me in!” she exclaimed. “You need another crew, send Warren and I in. Everyone else is dead on their feet, Warren and I are fine,” she met his gaze, but he held it firmly._

_“No,” he said and Vic flinched a little._

_“Are you kidding me? You need someone to vent. Send us in!” she pressed, but from the set of his expression it was clear Ripley wasn’t going to give in._

_“No, Hughes, I am not sending you in,” he said firmly. “If that building explodes-” he cuts himself off and sighs. “I can’t send you in.”_

“Hughes! You coming?” Gibson shouts, breaking her away from the memory and she races towards the A-side entrance of the primary building. She follows Jack inside, and the two of them sweep the building, slowly moving up.

“How are we gonna vent?” she asks as they keep going up. “We’re about to pass through the fire line.”

“I’m not sure. We’re gonna figure it out.” He radios command center that there was no opportunity to vent from inside just as Andy radios that they can probably cut strip from the roof.

“Return here, Gibson and you’ll go up the ladder to cut the strip!” Sullivan shouted.

“Yes, sir!” Turning to her, Jack said, “okay, let’s go back.” But, before they could actually start making their way down, the building started to shake and Vic immediately looked at Gibson. It was starting to fill with smoke and visibility was low.

“Um, Gibson, can you feel that?” she asked, her voice edgy with panic. Jack nodded.

“Captain!” Jack shouted into the radio. “This building has become unstable! There is possible-” Jack is cut off by Ripley.

“Gibson! Hughes! Evacuate immediately!” he shouted and Jack didn’t waste much time in grabbing her by the elbow and running down the stairs.

When they emerged, Vic saw that station 12 was working on the B-side building while station 23 was working on the D-side. Andy and Maya were on the offensive attack along with Miller while Montgomery and Warren were at triage with someone from 23. Travis immediately looked up and raced towards them. Briefly, she glanced over at Ripley, expecting no reaction. Instead, Ripley met her gaze and for a second Vic saw panic and wildness in his eyes before he looked away.

“Vic, you okay?” Travis asked, eyes drifting over her, giving her a once over. There was more than a hint of panic in his voice and his hands trembled as he fitted the O2 mask over her face.

Besides her, Gibson piped up, “thanks for the concern, Montgomery.” Travis rolled his eyes.

“You’re welcome,” Travis quipped and Vic handed Gibson the O2.

Over the clamor of firefighting, she could hear two voices shouting and she looked over to see Sullivan and Ripley arguing by Command Center. Ripley looked furious and scarier despite the fact that he was shorter than Sullivan. But, there was also an edge of something else in his voice and in his stance. Vic caught the end of their conversation.

“How could you? How could you do that, huh? How could you send her in?” Ripley shouted, and even in the distance Vic could hear an edge of hurt in his voice. “After what happened last time!”

“I’m sorry, man, but I can’t not use her just because-”

“This has nothing to do with using, Sullivan! What happened last time- how could you do that? How did you think I would… feel watching-” he cut himself off, and she saw Sullivan step back, head lowered. “I’m taking command!” he said flatly. “Go help Herrera and Bishop with the offensive attack.”

Vic noted that unlike the skyscraper, there was a clear emotional pain behind Ripley’s words. She wondered if he was even aware that anyone watching them would clearly see their argument, hear the anger and hurt in his voice. Vic bites her lip before turning to Travis.

“What is that all about?” she wondered. Travis shrugged.

“I have no idea,” he said before joining Warren at triage. Gibson, too, shrugged before the two of them went over to Ripley.

“Chief,” she said, and he glanced over at her. Vic furrowed her eyebrows, confused.

“Well, no one goes into that building, that structure is too unstable. However, we still need to figure out a way to vent. Bishop, Herrera, Sullivan and Miller are still on the offensive attack,” he noted and both her and Gibson nodded.

“Should we cut strip, sir?” Gibson asked.

“No, Gibson, not this time. The structure is so unstable that if you tried it would collapse with you standing on top of it. For now, we’re containing this one, but the other two might still have a chance. Go to B-side and up 23’s ladder and help cut strip on that one,” he said and Gibson nodded. He turned immediately, but Vic stopped, unsure.

“Um, Chief?” she asked. He turned to face her, his expression emotionless.

“Yes, Hughes?”

“What about me?” For a second, Ripley paused, giving her a once over, and his gaze lingered a little longer than necessary.

“Go with Gibson,” he ordered and she nodded, following after Jack.

Vic tries not to pay attention to Ripley after that particular exchange because it is clear that whatever happened with Sullivan had really bothered Ripley and she wonders what he had meant. The photograph she had found is seared in her mind and Vic shivers at the thought that-. [She’s trying very hard to not finish the thought].

Adrenaline pumps through her as her and Gibson rush up 23’s ladder and Gibson takes charge in cutting the strip. Vic remembers the time Gibson and Herrera had gotten into a fight over cutting the strip at the time of the captain’s race. Those are memories that are clear in her mind.

The D-side building gets vented from the inside and they save the B-side building, but the A-side one is lost. Ripley stays through to overhaul and rides with them to the station where he and Sullivan go to Sullivan’s office. [The entire team scrambles to the Beanery, exchanging worried looks that confused Vic].

The atmosphere in the Beanery is tense, and Travis and Warren are still taking one of their victims to Grey Sloan, so Vic excuses herself and makes her way to the locker room. She takes the photo out of her pocket, it’s a little creased but otherwise intact. And, a part of her wonders if she is the ‘ _her’_ Ripley meant when he said ‘How could you send her in?’

When a decent amount of time had passed and Warren and Travis had come back, everyone meets up in the Beanery for takeout dinner. Vic goes to look for Ripley with a new sense of determination.

* * *

“What is this?” she demands, bursting into the turnout room, where Ripley is conveniently alone. Ripley turns to her and Vic sees the recognition on his face.

“Excuse me?”

“What is this?” she repeats, shoving the photograph in his face. “Why do you have this?”

Ripley’s expression is unreadable. “Why do I have this? It’s a picture of you, Hughes. Why _would_ I have this?” He seems surprised. [Vic almost wants to punch him for being so calm].

“Because it fell out of your wallet!” she snaps.

“Were you snooping through my things?” He sounds incredulous.

“No- yes- not really! I found your stuff in the locker room and was going to bring it to you, but then your wallet fell out and well, the picture- I just don’t understand why you would have a photo of me in your wallet!” she yells the last part. “I don’t remember a single thing for the past- almost a year and then I find this. Is this some kind of a joke? Or, is this- what is this? Did we ever- that would be insane because you’re the Chief! Unless, of course, you- you know I could report you for sexual harassment!” She’s rambling loudly, she knows, but she can’t help herself. The words just spill out from her mouth as she glares at Ripley who just stands there. “Why aren’t you saying anything? Huh?”

“What do you want me to say?” he asks, calmly, though he almost sounds defeated.

“I don’t know! Just tell me why!” she exclaims, stepping closer to him. “Why do you have that photo?” she asks again, voice softer this time.

“Because I was there when the photo was taken,” he answers simply, which only serves to confuse her more. “Do you really not remember anything about… me?” he asks then, turning away. Vic sees him swipe his finger under his eyes and bites her lip.

“Um, not really. Last thing I remember was our argument after the skyscraper. When I yelled at you. Although, when I saw the photo I could- it was almost like I was remembering something, but it was all foggy and I could only hear a voice. Which, come to think of it sounded a lot like yours.” Ripley lets out a shaky breath.

“It was me. I was there with you. At the beach,” he says, running a hand through his hair.

“But why?” she asks and he drops his head for a second.

“Anything else?” he asks softly. “Do you remember anything else about… me?” He almost sounds hopeful.

“Um, yeah. I was arguing with you to send me and Warren in. We were at a structure fire. You refused to send me in. You said you couldn’t…” she trails off.

“I couldn’t. And, I should’ve never sent you into the other building either,” he said and she looked at him in confusion.

“What?”

“I refused to send you into that building, so Warren suggesting you two switch with Gibson and Bishop. He- you- I thought you were safe to go. That you could handle it. It made sense at the time. And, then, the building exploded and I can still… if I close my eyes I can still hear that explosion.” He looks down sadly and Vic has the sudden urge to touch him in comfort, but she suppresses it. [He is the Chief after all].

“Um, today when you were yelling at Sullivan about sending a ‘her’ in who did you mean?”

“You,” he says simply and all Vic can do is stare.

“What… why?” she asks. “Tell me. Whatever it is, tell me,” she presses, stepping towards him.

“Because I…” he swallows, runs his hand through his hair – clearly, a nervous habit – and meets her gaze. Then, he walks over to the door and flicks the lock. He exhales, turn to her, and then says, “because I love you. Because I’ve been in love with you for a long time. I know how it sounds to you now, I know you don’t remember, but you- I think I have to tell you the truth.”

“What? I’m sorry, what? How can you be in love with me? Why?” she asks, flabbergasted.

“Cause you’re pretty lovable,” he says simply and Vic just stares.

“I’m aware. But you’re the Chief! Wh-” he cuts her off.

“Victoria,” he says softly, voice full of emotion as he steps a little closer to her. “It’s okay.” He meets her gaze, and Vic is a little taken aback by how blue his eyes are but also by the raw emotion in them. _“Victoria,”_ he repeats breathlessly. And, then, another one of the puzzle pieces clicks, and her mind is flooded with memories.

_“I really like you, Victoria.”_

_“I think you’re pretty likeable too, Lucas.”_

_“You look so beautiful, Victoria.”_

_“Shall we continue this at our place?”_

_“Spice.”_

_“Merry Christmas, Victoria.”_

_“Merry Christmas to you, too.”_

_“Victoria, I am so sorry.”_

_“I miss you, Victoria.”_

_“I miss you, too.”_

_“Victoria, you are killing me.”_

_“I know. But, you love me.”_

_“So, you wanna move in with me?”_

_“Yes.”_

_“You don’t just mean something to me, Victoria. You mean everything to me and that scares me. I think I’m falling in love with you.”_

The images in her head were still fuzzy, but she could make out his voice clearly and she could see a pair of blue eyes that could easily be his. She stares at him in bewilderment and briefly shuts her eyes, dropping her chin.

“Victoria?” he asks curiously, stepping closer to her. Vic opens her eyes and looks up, her gaze locking with his.

“I don’t understand…” she whispered softly. They were so close they were almost touching and Vic could practically feel his breath on her face. Her teeth grazed her lower lip as she looked down briefly before looking up. Ripley surprised her by stepping back, breaking off the spell as he reached for his phone.

“You might still think I’m lying, but I’m not,” he said softly, fingers tapping quickly on the screen before he motioned for her to look. It was a photo, but unlike the one she found in his wallet, this one had the two of them, facing each other. It had been taken in the evening, at what looked like a fancy event, in a garden or park of some sort. There were fairy lights strung out around them, casting a soft glow on their faces. Ripley’s hands were resting firmly on her hips and Vic’s hands were loosely wrapped around his neck, their heads drawn close to each other. He was wearing a black tux and Vic was wearing a coral halter neck, backless dress with pleated skirt that flower down from her waist. But, what really struck Vic was the expression on both of their faces. Both of them looked so blissful, so happy, so care free and so _in love_. The urge to argue that the photo had been edited died on her lips when he looked up from the photo and she saw that his eyes were filled with tears.

Instead, all she said was, “okay.”

“What does that mean?” he asked, fingers reaching out to curl around her wrist, stop her from bolting. But, he drew away at the last second, letting his hand to fall back at his side.

“I don’t know,” she shrugged, letting out a sigh. “I just- I don’t know, but it’s okay, I guess. I believe you. But, I don’t really remember any of it. Just bits and pieces when you called me Victoria. I don’t remember how it happened, or our first kiss, or how we fell in love, or anything big like that.” Ripley’s face fell a little bit with each word Vic said, but he tried not to show it.

“It happened-” he started telling her, but she cut him off, a thought occurring to her.

“Wait, does the team know?” she asks, eyes widening a little. Lu- Ripley nods.

“We went through the whole HR ordeal. I got suspended for a week and was on probation for a while, but it was all worth it. You got reprimanded, but otherwise- I made sure there was no fallout for you.”

Vic looked up, surprised. “Why?”

“Because I was- am in love with you. Of course, I’d do that. And, I’d do it all over again if necessary,” he said and Vic was shocked by the love and adoration in his voice. She’d never been in a love – not that she remembered, anyway – but the tone of Lu- Ripley’s voice made her wish she could remember being in love, being so willing to put an entire career on the line for one person.

“I don’t… I don’t know what to say…” she trailed off, biting her lip.

“It’s okay, Victoria. It’s okay,” he said softly, head dropping slightly, fingers twitching with the need to lace themselves with hers. But, it was clear that he wasn’t going to initiate the first contact between them, so Vic reached over instead, lacing her fingers with his. He looked up to meet her gaze.

“So, um, how did it happen between us?” she asked, despite not being sure she wanted the answer. Lu- Ripley inhaled sharply and sunk to the floor, patting the spot beside him. Vic sat down, leaving a little space between them.

“It happened after Miller’s sort of birthday. Chocolate cake day,” he muttered with a fond smile. “I was at the station and you invited me up to join your little celebration. But, if I’m being honest, I think it started after a peer support group after the skyscraper,” he said, and delved into the whole story of how they fell in love. When he was done, he looked over at her, his eyes meeting hers and Vic felt her throat close up and looked away. Then, she stepped back and she watched Ripley’s expression shatter. “Wait,” he said softly, desperately. Vic stopped and lifted her eyes up to meet his. “Please, say something.”

“I don’t… I don’t know what to say. What you want me to say…” she bit her lip.

“I want, no, I need you to tell me where you want this- us to go. I made the decision to keep us from you, but I don’t- it doesn’t have to be that way anymore. Because I know what I want, but I need to know what you want,” he said, tone full of hope. Vic let out an audible sigh.

“I don’t know. I mean, you’re hot and everything and I would, but everything that you just told me? I don’t remember any of it. I don’t remember that first kiss, that first time, the first conversation when we agreed it was more than just sex. I don’t remember telling you I’m in love with you. I don’t remember falling in love with you. And, honestly, I don’t really feel anything towards you right now,” she said softly and watched Lu- Ripley struggle not to cry. She knew she was being harsh, but he had been looking at her with so much hope in his eyes that Vic wanted to cry. “I do believe you. And, I believe you’re in love with me. And, that I was in love with you, too. But, I don’t- whatever it is I’m supposed to feel for you? I’m sorry, but I don’t feel it.” Lu- Ripley’s expression crumbled completely and she saw a tear fall down his cheek. And, another. Angrily, and with trembling hands, he swiped it away. Vic felt as if a knife was being twisted in her heart and she couldn’t take it anymore.

“I’m really sorry,” she repeated. And, then she turned and unlocked the door before racing up to the roof where she finally let the tears fall, arms wrapping around herself. She had barely been holding herself together in front of him, his piercing blue eyes trained on her. It was as if he could see into her soul.

The rooftop was silent except for her cries and she tightened her hold of herself.

She looked up when the door to the roof opened and Travis wrapped his arms around her.

“I just… I don’t…” she gasped, sobbing loudly, clinging to her best friend.

“Sh, it’s okay, Vic. It’s gonna be okay.” Vic shook her head.

“No, it’s not,” she sobbed.

“I take it you _know_?” [Travis doesn't need to actually say anything]. 

She just nodded before sobbing again.


	4. Bring Me Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Secrets get revealed and Vic and Lucas connect. Lucas takes care of Vic when she needs someone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally! Thsi chapter isn't my favorite, but I hope you enjoy!

Travis finally talks her into a checkup appointment a week later. Dr. DeLuca introduces herself as her OB/GYN and starts her ultrasound.

“This gel will be a little cold,” she says, voice laced with a thick Italian accent. Vic braces herself as the cold gel hits her stomach. “Is this the dad?” Dr. DeLuca asks, nodding towards Travis. Travis chuckles and Vic shakes her head as her throat constricts.

“Nope, just the best friend,” Travis quips as Vic struggles to blink away tears. _Damn hormones,_ she curses in her head.

“Ah, I see,” she says as she prods at her abdomen with the ultrasound wand. Travis squeezes her hand again, and Vic turns to him.

“It’s okay, Vic,” her best friend says softly. Vic shakes her head.

“Well, baby is doing okay, and I can hear the heartbeat. Would you like to hear it?” Dr. DeLuca interrupts them. [Suddenly, it all feels to real for Vic, but she exchanges a look with Travis that’s equal parts comforting and encouraging, and she nods].

Dr DeLuca gently probes her abdomen with Doppler, and then Vic hears it and she lets out an audible gasp. When she glances over at Travis, her best friend is nearly in tears. Vic feels tears prickle at her own eyes and she squeezes Travis’ hand. Dr DeLuca smiles at both of them.

“So, the dad?” she asks. [Vic expected that question, but she can’t answer it. She’s too hormonal. Too confused. If she shuts her eyes tightly enough, she can see Ripley’s heartbroken blue eyes when she told him she didn’t feel anything for him. Can see the devastation on his face]. Vic shakes her head and Travis looks like he’s about to say something, but Dr DeLuca flashes them another one of her smiles.

“I will prescribe you some prenatal vitamins, also you have to inform your boss not to put you in dangerous situations like running into fires, and I will see you in two weeks,” she says instead as Vic wipes her stomach.

Several minutes later, Travis guides her out of the exam office.

As they walk through the hallways of Grey Sloan, Travis looks over at her.

“You gonna tell Sullivan?”

“Yup. Today,” Vic shrugs as they enter Travis’ car.

“Have you spoken to… uh… Ripley?”

“Nope,” Vic mutters before silence settles in the car.

After her breakdown on the roof, Vic had told Travis about the baby but had decided not to tell Ripley. Which, Travis of course, didn’t agree with, but he was being a supportive best friend, except sometimes he would bring the subject up.

“Vic, maybe you should-”

“No, Trav, you know I can’t. I don’t remember any of… whatever we were and I don’t want to be with him just because I’m pregnant with his child.”

“But, you said yourself, you did remember some things-”

“But nothing that matters. God, this is so complicated,” she sighs as Travis parks in the station’s parking lot. Right next to a well-known SUV. Vic flashes him a look, but doesn’t say anything as she exits the car. Unfortunately, as soon as she’s at the station she feels the urge to throw up and rushes to the nearest trash can.

“Hughes, you okay?” Sullivan asks and Vic looks up to see him and Ripley standing there. Sullivan looks concerned while Ripley is just sort of staring at her. Vic clears her throat.

“Yeah, fine, probably ate something,” she shrugs. “Excuse me,” she says before running to the locker room where she bursts into tears for the third time that morning. The locker room is empty, so Vic goes to the bathroom to wash her face and winces when she sees her puffy, red face in the mirror.

“Vic, you okay?” Maya’s voice drifts through and Vic jumps, startled.

“Yeah, fine,” she mutters, but Maya doesn’t seem to impressed.

“What’s wrong? Why are you crying?”

“I’m not! I’m good, fine, all good, just something in my eye-”

“That’s bullshit! C’mon, Vic, I’m your friend, you can tell me. I won’t judge,” Maya cuts her off, harshly, though her voice is soft, gentle. [Vic doesn’t know what Maya thinks of her ‘relationship’ with Ripley or if Maya even knows. Though, according to Ripley, everybody in her team should].

“I just… it’s Lu- Ripley, and I just…”

“Oh,” Maya says, patting her back. “What- what happened with Ripley? Did he- did you talk?”

“Yes. He told me all about our relationship that I just can’t remember!” Vic sobs and Maya just continues to rub her back. “And, now I’m pregnant with his child and I just can’t!” she blurts before sobbing again.

“Oh. Oh, Vic,” Maya says softly, pulling her in for a hug. “Oh, Vic.”

“I don’t know what I’m going to do…” she sobs hopelessly. “I don’t know what or how I feel about this… about him… about us…” she trails off, sniffling. “And, these damn hormones, I just can’t stop crying!” Maya can’t help but chuckle, but she immediately stifles it once seeing the hurt look on Vic’s face.

“Sorry, I’m sorry, that was insensitive,” she apologizes, rubbing Vic’s back. “Okay, well, we’re gonna figure it out, okay? We’re going to figure out how you feel and then we’re going to make a plan, and then we’re going to do this, okay?” Maya says in her best Coach Maya voice. [Vic has to chuckle at that because Maya usually pulls the Olympian Coach Maya voice with Andy, but not with her. But, she’s grateful for Maya being there, always reasonable and kind].

“Thanks, Maya. You know, you almost sound like-” Vic cuts herself off, her mind drifting back, before she blinks and shakes her head, “-like Lucas,” she finishes and meets Maya’s gaze.

“What was that? Did you just-”

“I remembered something. Not really a particular thing, but just the fact that he was always so reasonable. Always with a plan, an agenda, and it wasn’t like you triggered it. It was like it was always there. Like I didn’t forget,” Vic explained, biting her lip. “I don’t… I don’t know if that makes sense, but-”

“It does, you know. I, um, when I was an Olympian I heard about this other athlete who hit their head and forgot like a year of their life or something. And, then, when she was fully back and had remembered everything she said that she didn’t always have flashbacks. Sometimes certain details or facts or experiences were just there,” Maya said kindly.

“Yeah,” Vic says with a heavy sigh.

“Well, is there something else that you kind of just know about him?” Maya looked at her carefully and Vic took a deep breath, stalling. [There was a part of her that wanted to say no or deny it meant anything. But, really ever since she’d talked to Ripley – no, ever since she’d seen that damn picture of her all happy in his wallet – she’d been remembering little things about her and him or just him in particular and couldn’t deny that a part of her felt connected to those memories. She knows that he calls her Victoria, that he always runs his hand through his hair when he’s nervous, that he scratches his beard when he’s thoughtful, that he cares about his job, that he is kind, and thoughtful, and reasonable, and honorable; that he’s a good man].  “Yeah, there is,” she answered, pursing her lips.

“And? Does it mean anything?” Maya pried. [Maya didn’t usually pry. She wasn’t nosy; that was Vic’s thing. Unless, it concerned Andy and Tanner, but even then. Maya just didn’t pry].

Vic looked down, then up, then finally met Maya’s gaze. “It does. And, I kind of hate that. God, this is just so complicated…” she trailed off.

Maya nodded supportively.

They made a mental list of what Vic should do, and then joined the team for breakfast, which Vic could barely keep down.

After breakfast, she made her way to the captain’s office, and luckily, Sullivan wasn’t in a meeting with Ripley.

She takes a deep breath, exhales and knocks.

“Come in,” Sullivan shouts from the other side. Vic pushes the door open.

“Um, sir,” she starts nervously, biting her lip.

“Is there something you wanted to talk about, Hughes?” Sullivan asks, standing tall behind the desk.

“Um, yes sir. Yes. I, uh,” she stutters, and Sullivan looks at her pointedly. “I’m pregnant,” she blurts. “It’s uh, I’m 7 and a half weeks along,” she says, still nervous. Sullivan nods.

“Understood. I’ll put you on Aid Car or desk duty for now, we’ll talk about leave later on,” he scribbles something on a piece of paper, then looks up at her as if realizing for the first time she was still there. “You’re dismissed.”

“Yes, sir,” she says sagely and turns around and leaves.  

Being on Aid Car is good because it keeps her busy, and she’s paired up with Gibson who doesn’t pry or anything, and Vic’s grateful.

Gibson goes straight for the showers when they return at some point in the afternoon, but Vic decides she’s hungry, so she heads to the Beanery.

She’s shocked to hear Travis, Maya and Andy talking in hushed voices.

“You knew?” she asks, bewildered. “You knew?”

“Vic-” three voices chorus, but Vic interrupts her, hormones raging.

“You knew he was going to walk away and you let him?” she shouts. Travis, Maya and Andy all look a little taken aback. “How could you?” she tears into them, so close to bursting into tears, before turning around and running out of the Beanery.

* * *

She’s rushing down the stairs, heart racing. _I need to get out of here!_ her mind screams as she finally reaches the last step, a little out of breath. Behind, her she hears rushed steps – Travis, Maya, Andy all calling after her – but she ignores them. She can’t do this. She can’t be at the station. She can feel tears prickle the corners of her eyes, and she blinks them away, as she runs forward and slams into someone. Vic’s not paying attention to her surroundings, so she doesn’t realize who she bumps into until she feels a pair of warm, calloused hands steady her. [A part of her brain screams that she knows those hands, the feel of them on her skin, but she pushes that part down].

“Hu- _Victoria,_ ” he says sharply, though his voice is kind, concerned, laced with a fairly noticeable accent, though Vic can’t quite place it. _Australian._ “Are you- are you okay?” he asks, blue eyes gazing deeply into hers and Vic feels like she can’t breathe, like the air was knocked out of her lungs, like she just needs to get out of there, away from him because she can’t be here. She flinches, and wrenches herself out of his grasp, and he looks like she’d slapped him, but Vic doesn’t _care_. The only thing on her mind is that she has to go, she has to get out, she can’t look at him- “Victoria, are you okay? What happened?” he asks primly, pushing away the emotion that had been clear in his eyes and in his voice mere seconds ago.

“Nothing. I’m fine. I have to go,” she says breathlessly, moving away from him.

“No, you’re not fine,” he says and Vic shakes her head, blinking away tears. [She thinks she’s about to cry, but breaking down in the Chief’s arms – her former ( _current?_ ) boyfriend’s arms – is not something she’s going to do. Or should do]. “Hey, you can talk to me,” he adds gently and at that Vic does break.

“I’m pregnant,” she says and then she’s crying. Tears are streaming down her face and she’s gasping for air, her body trembling as she sobs. For a moment, everything is still, an eerie sort of silence settling, except for Vic’s hopeless, desperate cries. Andy, Maya and Travis stopped on the steps upon seeing the scene in front of them while Lucas just froze, taken aback, his eyes set on Vic. _Victoria._ [His Victoria]. And, then, Lucas manages to take in a deep breath, and he moves forward, reaching for her.

This time, Vic doesn’t flinch away. This time she lets him touch her, wrap his arms around her, his strong, comforting arms, and hold her.

At first, he just touches her shoulder, but when she doesn’t recoil, he’s filled again with the urge to hold her, so he does. He circles her in his arms and pulls her close, tucking her head under his chin.

Vic doesn’t really respond to Lucas. Not right away. And, then, she’s clinging to him, desperately, fisting his shirt in her hands, basking in the warmth and comfort of his embrace. His unusually familiar embrace.

Lucas doesn’t really say anything at first, his mind still processing Vic’s revelation, playing it on repeat in his head, like a broken record. _I’m pregnant._ But, then, he finally finds words to say, to comfort her.

“Shh, Victoria, it’s okay. Shh. It’s going to be okay. Shh. It’s okay, I’ve got you,” he whispers softly as he rubs her back, just holding her close, his touch gentle.

They stand like that for a while until Vic’s sobs kind of subside to soft cries. Lucas finally makes himself look at the three firefighters on the stairs, and then those three firefighters nod at him and turn around. Lucas lets out a soft sigh.

“Vic, why don’t I take you home?” he suggests, pulling slightly away so he can properly meet her tear-filled gaze. Vic nods, numbly, and hands him her keys from her pocket. Lucas then wraps one arm loosely around her shoulder, and takes her duffel bag in the other. Slowly, they make their ways to the parking lot, and he settles her gingerly into the passenger seat, buckles her seatbelt, before going around to the driver’s seat. As he starts the car, he glances over to see Vic staring out the window, though her gaze isn’t really focused on anything. He squeezes her hand for a fraction of a second and revs the car.

His mind is flooded with memories of being in this car with Vic, the time they drove out of town to hike, the time they got caught in a less a than appropriate position – kissing, his hands going to unclasp her bra, her fingers fisting his hair – by the manager of some diner, the time they’d gone camping and taken her car, and he winces, Vic’s words ringing in his ears, “ _Whatever it is I’m supposed to feel for you? I’m sorry, but I don’t feel it.”_

He shakes his head, tucks those memories away, and the feelings they brought up, too, and focuses on the route to Vic’s apartment. They reach her apartment in no time, and Lucas scoops Vic out of the car, but she doesn’t say anything. He carries her all the way to her apartment, not like he hadn’t before, and fishes the key out of her coat pocket. Gently, he guides her over to the living room, trying his best not to remember a million little things his brain seems to want to. He settles her on the edge of her bed and goes over to the set of drawers he’d once shared with her. Surprisingly, the drawer once occupied by his clothes is still empty, but Lucas just shrugs and grabs Vic’s pajamas from the other drawer. Vic is already taking her clothes off, seemingly unfazed by him there, but Lucas himself cannot look away, his gaze drifting over Vic’s familiar body, her perfect breasts, her curves, the slight swell of her abdomen, and he yearns to touch her. But his mind screams at him that he can’t, that he’s not allowed to, so he just shakes himself and hands Vic her pajamas.

“I’ll make you some tea?” he says, though, it sounds more like a question. Vic nods as she pulls her pajama top over her head, then makes her way into her ensuite bathroom, almost on autopilot. Lucas sighs, and goes back to her kitchen, moving effortlessly around the room, like no time had passed at all, reminded of a rainy night long ago, when Vic had been sick and she’d saved the lives of three people in the rain, with no backup. He’d been so proud of her, so damn proud, and luckily for him the person on Aid Car had been Gibson, so when he’d taken her home from the hospital, nobody had said anything. He’d made her tea, and Vic had forced him to admit the truth of their relationship, and it had been the first time it had happened, and Lucas had been filled with warmth. He makes her tea in its usual cup and brings it over to her, finding her beneath a pile of blankets, her hair pulled into its usual messy bun.

“Thanks,” she says softly and Lucas tries not to give her a fond smile, but fails.

“Let me know if you need anything else?” he says casually, turning to leave.

“Actually, there is. You left me,” she says, and Lucas turns, surprised.

“What is it?” he asks softly, turning to face her. And, she’s no longer numb or crying, but there is a fire in her eyes and Lucas is a little taken aback by it while entirely unsurprised because this is the Victoria Hughes he knows. The Victoria Hughes he’d fallen in love with, who could read him so well, who could force him to admit his darkest truths, who could see him, really him, for who he was.

“You left me,” she repeats, sitting up. “You gave up on me. On us. You walked away and erased all evidence of our relationship,” she says and Lucas winces, hating that she’s right.

“I know, Vic,” he says softly. “I know.”

“Why?” she blurts and he shakes his head.

“Should we really be having this conversation right now?” he asks, biting his lip.

“Yes,” she says, voice filled with certainty and he nods, sitting down on the edge beside her. “So, why?” Lucas takes a deep breath.

“There is no good reason, really, other than that my heart was broken. I… maybe I wasn’t really thinking, but when you looked at me and didn’t recognize me… you broke my heart and I could see no other way out. I felt like I was drowning and there was no way out, like I couldn’t breathe and my lungs were on fire. I’m sorry I left you, I am, especially considering…” he trails off and looks down. “But, I was also doing it for you. So, you could heal. I did it for you, Vic, because I love you and all I care about is you and as long as you’re okay, I’m fine…” he says, looking deeply into her eyes, trying to show her how much he cares about her, how much he loves her. [Deeply, unutterably, completely. Like it consumes him].

For a moment, neither of them says anything, both of them staring into each other’s eyes.

“And, part of me thought you deserve more than… me,” he whispers sadly. And, then, he stands to go, but she grasps his hand.

“Don’t. Don’t go. Don’t leave me again.”

“Okay,” he says as she scoots over and he gets in beside her. “Okay,” he repeats. She presses herself close to him, burrowing into his side, and there is nothing Lucas can do except wrap his arm around her and hold her. As she drifts to sleep, he presses a tender kiss to her forehead and lets his mind wonder. Eventually, he falls asleep, too. 

* * *

Vic wakes up alone and her mind immediately flashes back to the events of that night. The trip to the hospital with Travis, talking to Maya, Andy and Maya’s intervention, the argument that ensued, breaking down in Ripley’s arms, Ripley driving her home, taking care of her, and then her mind is flooded of memories of a different time Ripley had taken care of her. Vic blinks them away and shakes her head before sitting up, noticing that the other side of the bed is empty, though she could easily recall that he’d been in bed with her the night before, his arms wrapped tightly around her, the ghost of his lips on her forehead.

Still groggy, she scrambles out of bed and feels the urge to throw up. With a groan, she races to the bathroom, and throws up before wiping her mouth and brushing her teeth. She grabs her robe, then makes her way out of her living room to find Ripley, wearing a plain white t-shirt, her favorite throw blanket covering his legs, his head resting on one of pillows. The TV is still on and Vic assumes he’d probably come to the living room after she’d fallen asleep. She lets out a soft sigh, and stops for a second watching him before coming over and turning the TV off. She glances over at her watch and notes that it’s almost 0900 and thinks that maybe Ripley should be going to work. She walks over to him and gently shakes him awake.

“Um, Ripley? Maybe you should, uh, wake up?” she asks, gently shaking him. He jumps, startled, his eyes flying open and Vic takes a step back. “Hi,” she breathes as he sits up.

“Hey, sorry, hope I didn’t wake you or anything,” he says, throwing the blanket off of him and Vic is greeted by the sight of his underwear. She gulps and Ripley seems to realize it, so he grabs his pants. “Sorry about that,” he says, as he buttons his uniform pants. Vic only hums in agreement.

“I thought you’d have left by now. Don’t you have work?” she asks as she makes her way to the kitchen.

“I pushed my meetings for later. And, I couldn’t sleep at some point, so I came out here,” he shrugs as he follows after her. “We should talk,” he says and Vic turns to face him. “I think- I think we should talk. I know you had a very-”

“Yeah, sure, but breakfast first?” she says, though it sounds more like a question. Ripley nods. “Coffee? I have decaf and regular,” she says as he rounds the kitchen island.

“Regular’s fine for me, thanks,” he says kindly.

Vic makes them both coffee, regular for him, decaf for her, then makes some toast and joins him at the table.

“I’m sorry,” he says without much preamble, his blue eyes staring deeply into hers. “Vic, I’m really sorry. For leaving you. For walking away when you needed me most. For letting you go. And, I know that you’re still confused and your feelings are all over the place and I am sorry for making that harder for you,” he says, and Vic is a little bit taken aback by how sincere he is. He’s leaning forward a little, his palm resting on the table between them and part of Vic wants to grasp his hand in hers, but the other part reminds her of the fact that he’d walked away and erased all evidence of their relationship, and she sits back as he continues. “But, I feel the same way. I am hurt and confused and my feelings are… well, they never went away. I don’t think I can stop feeling what I feel for you. Ever,” he confesses. “But, if you want to walk away, it’s your choice. I just… you’re pregnant and if it’s mine-”

“It’s yours,” she interrupts him. “I mean, I’m almost one hundred percent sure and Travis says that I didn’t- wouldn’t have cheated on you. And, it was conceived when we were still together, I’m two months along, now. So, it’s yours. But, if you want proof, we can take a paternity test,” she doubles back, peering over at him, a little bit unsure.

“There’s… there’s no need. I, uh, trust you, Vic. But, this means I can’t walk away from our kid. Our son or our daughter. So, if you want me to walk away from you, again, I’ll do it. But, I still want to be there for our kid,” he looks down, glancing into his coffee cup before looking up to meet her gaze again.

“I don’t… I don’t want you to walk away. Yet,” she breathes out. “Like I said, I don’t know how I feel and I’m trying to figure that out. Not that you should- don’t force yourself to stay for me. And, of course I won’t keep you away from the baby. And, I’ll always tell you whatever happens, the doctors – everything,” she stumbles over her words, but _Lu- Ripley_ doesn’t say anything about that, just nods, his face open and kind.

“Thanks. I appreciate it,” he smiles and Vic doesn’t think she’d ever realized before how much he smiles with his eyes. “Have you… have you been to an appointment?”

“Yeah,” Vic says, and then she gets up and rushes over to where she usually keeps her duffel bag. She doesn’t remember bringing it in the night before, but then realizes Ripley must have. [And, he must have known where she usually keeps her]. She returns with a small polaroid-sized photograph and sets it in front of him. Ripley looks down, and realization registers on his face, before he looks up. [Vic notices that his eyes are filled with tears].

“Is that…” he breathes. Vic nods.

“Yeah… that’s… that’s the little raspberry. Berry for short, I don’t know it’s the size of a raspberry, I guess. It’s healthy and I got to hear the heartbeat and Dr. DeLuca said it’s going all well for now. So, um, you know, that’s…” she trails off, nervously, lightly biting her lip.

“That’s good,” he says, his lips quirking into a slight smile and when he meets her gaze again, she notices his eyes are red-rimmed.

“Oh, you can… you can come with me next time?” she says quickly, maybe in an attempt to comfort him, though it sounds more like a question. He nods.

He glances over at his watch. “I should, uh, I should go. I have to go to HQ, have a lot of paperwork to do. But, uh, thanks for the coffee. And, for telling me about Berry. I’m glad you’re okay, that everything’s okay,” he says, getting up. He grabs his uniform shirt which is on the back of one of her chairs and Vic tries not to watch him button it up. Then, he goes over to the entrance and starts lacing his boots, grabs his jacket and bag. Vic gets up too, maybe a little too quickly, and rushes over to him, the photo in her hand. She hands it to him and sees emotion flood his face.

“Really?” he asks quietly, as if not entire believing her.

“Of course. I have another copy,” she shrugs, flashing him a small smile.

“Thanks,” he says. “Um, if you need anything,” he says and pauses. “Here’s my number,” he rattles off. “Bye, Vic.”

Then, he’s out the door. [Only after she locks after him, Vic realizes how close to tears Ripley was].

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was inspired by recent episodes. It's mostly Vic's POV, but next chapter we're going back to Lucas and his angst.


	5. Numb

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lucas' POV, a lot of angsty Lucas and some comfort moments. Enjoy!

He’d woken up in the middle of the night to the sounds of an explosion ringing in his ears, his hopeless cries for her, Sullivan’s arms around him, keeping him from running into the burning building. But, when he’d woken up, he was lying in Victoria’s bed, her body pressed close to him, face burrowed in the crook of his neck. For a second, Lucas feels as if this is just another night with Vic, his arms wrapped around her, still in his uniform shirt, Vic already in her pajamas, when he’d wake up from a nightmare and she would wake up not a few moments later, offering comfort. But, then he’s snapped back to the reality he currently lives in, one where Vic broke his heart and gave him hope in one fell swoop.

She still fits so perfectly in his arms that Lucas doesn’t want to let go just yet, maybe ever, but he knows that when she’ll wake up, she won’t look at him warmly, or caress his cheek, stroke his hair, flirt mischievously with him. Instead, she’ll probably wonder what the hell was he doing in her bed.

[Lucas’ heart had broken upon seeing her break down, the way she’d clung to him, sobbing desperately, the way she’d gone numb, and there had been nothing he could really do but hold her]. Taking care of her had been natural, as easy as breathing and his heart had ached at seeing her in pain.

But, lying with her in his arms, even in those circumstances, Lucas would be lying if he said he wasn’t enjoying the feel of her in his arms again. He can feel the tiny swell of her abdomen against him and he lets himself imagine, if only for a moment, what it would have been like if she hadn’t lost her memories, if they could be experiencing this moment together, not apart. He shakes himself off, because as soon as he imagines that moment, he remembers the reality and then spirals into a pit of self-blame. [He knows it isn’t healthy, but he can’t help blaming himself].

His eyes drift up to the ceiling, and he wills sleep to overcome him, but it doesn’t. Vic stirs and pulls away from him, so Lucas untangles himself from her and gets up. He opens his work calendar on his phone and notes he only has two meetings in the morning, so he pushes them for the afternoon. His assistant will get annoyed at him for meddling in her perfect schedule, but Lucas doesn’t really care.

There’s no use in him trying to find sleep with her, so he makes his way to the living room and decides to watch something to pass time, but ends up falling asleep. He’s plagued by nightmares again, of countless faces, of people he hadn’t been able to save, of firefighters and victims. Claire Sullivan, Michael and Victoria. Of course, Victoria. He hadn’t been able to save her and it had cost him so much that sometimes he feels like he can’t breathe.

“Um, Ripley? Maybe you should, uh, wake up?” He hears her voice, gentle, as she shakes him out of his sleeping haze. He startles at her touch, his eyes flying open and he sees Vic take a step back. He winces. “Hi,” she breathes as he sits up.

“Hey, sorry, hope I didn’t wake you or anything,” he manages to say, throwing the blanket off of him before realizing he’s only in his boxers. He grabs his uniform pants, pulling them on, and apologizes hastily, “sorry about that,” as he zips them up. Vic only hums in response. An awkward sort of silence settles between them as Lucas tries to make sense of his scrambled thoughts while Vic watches him.

“I thought you’d have left by now. Don’t you have work?” she blurts, never having been anything but direct, as she makes her way to the kitchen.

“I pushed my meetings for later. And, I couldn’t sleep at some point, so I came out here,” he shrugs as he follows after her. [He doesn’t tell her that he can’t sleep because of the nightmares that continue to plague him, the faces of the people he couldn’t save that he continues to see every time he closes his eyes].

Instead he decides to continue the conversation from the night before.m“We should talk,” he says and Vic turns to face him. “I think- I think we should talk. I know you had a very-”

“Yeah, sure, but breakfast first?” she says, though it sounds more like a question. Ripley nods. “Coffee? I have decaf and regular,” she says as he rounds the kitchen island.

“Regular’s fine for me, thanks,” he says kindly.

Vic makes them both coffee, regular for him, decaf for her, then makes some toast and joins him at the table.

Lucas takes a sip of his coffee, smiling at the fact that Vic had added milk and one tea-spoon of sugar just like he liked it. He doesn’t say anything about it, though, and takes a deep breath, bracing himself.

“I’m sorry,” he says without much preamble, and Vic’s eyes snap over to his. He stares deeply into his eyes and warms as the feeling of getting lost in Vic’s beautiful, expressive brown eyes returns. “Vic, I’m really sorry. For leaving you. For walking away when you needed me most. For letting you go. And, I know that you’re still confused and your feelings are all over the place and I am sorry for making that harder for you,” he continues, averting his gaze. His hands are inches from hers and there’s a part of him that wants to reach for them, lace their fingers together, but the other part of him that replays Vic’s words from the turnout room, _whatever it is I’m supposed to feel for you? I’m sorry, but I don’t feel it_ and he flinches as Vic sits back. He takes another deep breath before continuing, “but, I feel the same way. I am hurt and confused and my feelings are… well, they never went away. I don’t think I can stop feeling what I feel for you. Ever,” he confesses. “But, if you want to walk away, it’s your choice. I just… you’re pregnant and if it’s mine-” [He knows how utterly hopeless he sounds in this moment, but he doesn’t care because Vic is pregnant. And, it could be his].

“It’s yours,” she interrupts him and Lucas takes another sip of coffee. “I mean, I’m almost one hundred percent sure and Travis says that I didn’t- wouldn’t have cheated on you. And, it was conceived when we were still together, I’m two months along, now. So, it’s yours. But, if you want proof, we can take a paternity test,” she doubles back, peering over at him, a little bit unsure.

“There’s… there’s no need. I, uh, trust you, Vic. But, this means I can’t walk away from our kid. Our son or our daughter. So, if you want me to walk away from you, again, I’ll do it. But, I still want to be there for our kid,” he looks down, glancing into his coffee cup before looking up to meet her gaze again.

“I don’t… I don’t want you to walk away. Yet,” she breathes out. Lucas freezes, and feels that tiny flutter of hope yet again. “Like I said, I don’t know how I feel and I’m trying to figure that out. Not that you should- don’t force yourself to stay for me. And, of course I won’t keep you away from the baby. And, I’ll always tell you whatever happens, the doctors – everything,” she stumbles over her words in that cute way of hers he absolutely adores, and Lucas sighs softly. There’s a part of him that knows that even if he tried, he couldn’t walk away from her again. [He’d take having Victoria Hughes in his life in any way over not having her in his life at all].

“Thanks. I appreciate it,” he smiles, and for the first time it’s genuine.

“Yeah,” Vic says, and then she gets up and rushes over to where she usually keeps her duffel bag. He’d stashed it there the night before, and he keeps his gaze on her as she rummages through it. She returns with a small polaroid-sized photograph and sets it in front of him. His breath hitches as he realizes what it is.

“Is that…” he finally manages to say, breathlessly, voice full of emotion and he knows there are tears in his eyes.

Vic nods.

“Yeah… that’s… that’s the little raspberry. Berry for short, I don’t know, it’s the size of a raspberry, I guess. It’s healthy and I got to hear the heartbeat and Dr. DeLuca said it’s going all well for now. So, um, you know, that’s…” she trails off, nervously, lightly biting her lip.

“That’s good,” he says, sounding almost choked, his lips quirking into a slight smile.

“Oh, you can… you can come with me next time?” she says quickly, maybe in an attempt to comfort him because Lucas had never been good at keeping his emotions in check in front of her, though it sounds more like a question. He nods.

He glances over at his watch and realizes what time it is and that he should get some paperwork done and maybe a work out too. Besides, he doesn’t think he can be here any longer, Vic’s curious brown eyes following his every move. “I should, uh, I should go. I have to go to HQ, have a lot of paperwork to do. But, uh, thanks for the coffee. And, for telling me about Berry.” [He finds the nickname incredibly endearing]. “I’m glad you’re okay, that everything’s okay,” he says, getting up. He grabs his uniform shirt which is on the back of one of her chairs and is well aware of Vic’s eyes on him as he buttons it up. He walks to the door, and starts lacing his boots, grabs his jacket and bag.

He turns, and finds Vic standing in front of him, photograph in hand. His throat constricts and he feels like he can’t breathe. And, he’s well aware of how evident the emotion on his face is.

“Really?” he asks quietly, trying not to sound too hopeful.

“Of course. I have another copy,” she shrugs, flashing him a small smile.

“Thanks,” he says. “Um, if you need anything,” he says and pauses, unsure if he should give her his number. “Here’s my number,” he rattles it off. “Bye, Vic,” he rushes out and then he’s out the door and he can finally breathe, except it is all catching up with him and he feels like he’s spinning.

Once he’s safely inside his car, he puts his head in his hands and cries, clutching the small photograph in his hands.

* * *

Several minutes later, he manages to calm down enough to drive back to headquarters, where he rushes to the bathroom and tries to seem like he hadn’t been crying for the past twenty or so minutes. He checks his watch again, and decides he has enough time for a quick work out, so he heads downstairs, satisfied that no one else has occupied the punching bag.

As he propels his body forward, fists hitting the punching bag, Lucas does his best to push Vic out of his mind. The photo. _I’m pregnant,_ she’d said. _whatever it is I’m supposed to feel for you? I’m sorry, but I don’t feel it._ Another hit. _You left me,_ she’d said the other night, and she’d sounded hurt despite the anger. Another hit. _I don’t want to let you go,_ he’d once promised her and it feels like he’d done that forever ago. He’d broken that promise and he can’t forgive himself for it. Lucas tries to push the memory of the night Vic had saved that family and forced him to admit the truth about his feelings for her. _Don’t go. Don’t go. Don’t leave me again._ [Lucas wonders if Vic does have feelings for him and isn’t admitting them, but pushes the thought away].

“-Ripley!” Frankel’s voice finally breaks through the haze and Lucas propels his body forward, hitting the punching bag particularly hard to the point where it swings several times before he turns to face the Battalion Chief, who is standing there with her hands on her hips.

“What the fuck are you doing?” Frankel bites, glaring at him.

“Working out,” he shrugs.

“Working out? More like fucking murdering the damn thing! We don’t have the money to buy you a new toy,” she bursts, and Lucas rolls his eyes.

“What is it, Frankel?” he asks instead.

“Your Assistant Chief of Operations pushed the fucking budget meeting. In 10 minutes. And, according to that secretary of yours, someone needs to go deal with a new fire training at the Johnson&Grey law firm. Then, Smith is out because his wife’s in labor, so Martinez had to go attend to this fire this morning, which 23 obviouslhy couldn’t handle and almost botch-”

“Frankel!” he snaps, hands on his hips. “What do you want me to do?” he asks calmly. “I know about Smith; I gave him the week off-”

“What?”

“Martinez already submitted his budget report, and if he finishes early he can come present it. If not, Richardson can go over that budget. The Johnson&Grey training is later today, so we’ll deal with that later. Now, I’m going to take a quick shower, and I’ll join you at the meeting,” he tells her and Frankel nods.

“Ugh, I hope you’re not going to make me go deal with a bunch of white men in suits who need to be taught not to use the elevator when there’s a fire,” she rolls her eyes.

“I just might,” he chuckles. He turns to go shower when Frankel speaks.

“So, what’s got you beating the crap out of a stationery bag?” she demanded. Lucas sighed. He really didn’t want to answer that.

“Nothing, I’m fine. I just wanted to get a workout,” he shrugs, hoping Frankel will drop it.

“Oh, c’mon, Rip!” Frankel, being Frankel, obviously doesn’t drop it. “I’ve known you for fifteen years and I know when you work out for the sake of it and when you’re trying to work through your feelings,” she crosses her arms over her chest.

“Fine, so I have a lot on my mind,” he says. “So what?”

“Okay, what happened?” she asks, less abrasively, more kindly. [A kind tone with Frankel wasn’t a very usual occurrence, and Frankel’s definition of a kind tone wasn’t exactly everyone else’s]. Lucas hesitated. “Is it…” she seemed to hesitate asking the question she clearly wanted to, “…is it Hughes?” Lucas hung his head in defeat.

“She’s pregnant,” he said quietly.

“What?” Frankel asked, as if she hadn’t heard, but there was shock in her voice, too.

“She’s pregnant,” he bites out. “She’s pregnant and it’s mine,” he says baldly, running a hand through his hair.

“Oh…” Frankel manages to say, clearly stunned. But, Lucas doesn’t give her a chance to say anything else. Instead, he turns around and races to the showers adjacent to the gym.

He showers quickly and drops by his office to grab a few things before making his way to the conference where all of his chiefs are assembled, except for Smith and Martinez. Frankel is standing there, hands folded across her chest, glaring daggers at Richardson, his ACO. The poor man is clearly sweating, but looks relieved when Lucas enters. Really, everyone else does, including Frankel, who is staring at him, her gaze narrowed.

“Good morning,” he greets amiably before taking a seat at the head of the table. The other chiefs scramble to take their seats, with Frankel, Martinez, Petersen, Ross and Price sitting close to him while the more conservative Hill, Gonzales, Brooks and Mitchell sit on the other side of the room. Richardson takes the seat immediately to his left. “Richardson, you called this meeting earlier, so it’s all yours,” he says, nodding at the other man. Frankel fixes her glare on Richardson, yet again.

“Thank you, Chief,” Richardson, stands, grinning amiably at Frankel, who just rolls her eyes. Marisol Price grins cheekily at the other Battalion Chief. [Sometimes Lucas wonders if the top brass resembles a group of middle schoolers at best, or a group of children at worst]. “Alright, despite your unhappiness, Frankel, I called this meeting earlier than it was originally scheduled because the Chief and I have to go meet with the Seattle council regarding some budgetary discrepancies,” Lucas groaned upon hearing that. “Furthermore, as we’re in the second half of the year, the SFD budget report is being drafted and will have to be submitted in December of this year, in time for us to receive next year’s budget. Now, there are some issues within each battalion regarding budget allocation as well as the more department-wide details,” Richardson explains. “Let’s start with Battalion 1.” Hill stood up, gave a concise presentation about his battalion, stressed the need for more funding for the Fisherman’s Terminal, said that Fire Prevention needed more staff, and complained about station 2. Lucas nodded at him, and waited patiently.

“Well, we’ll look into allocating some more funds to Fisherman’s Terminal, but while station 5 is being renovated and so is the Waterfront, Fisherman’s Terminal has been taking more calls. I’m sure-”

“Well, Chief, we’ve been allocating a lot of the budget to your star stations-”

“ _My_ star stations?” Lucas asked incredulously.

“Nineteen, twelve, eighty-eight, forty-two and sixty. Your star stations. You and Frankel are obsessed with 19 and 12-”

“Obsessed?” Frankel burst out. “Nineteen and twelve have the best teams! And, while we’re talking about obsessions, let’s talk about your obsession with the Fisherman’s Terminal? Or rather, a certain female driver of FB 1?” Frankel glared at Hill. “You know, I wonder if we should be talking about harassment policies-”

“I don’t sleep with my subordinates!” Hill snaps. “We can thank the Chief for that!”

“What the fuck does the Chief’s very much disclosed and HR-approved relationship have to do with the fact that your wife abandoned your sorry ass and the only joy you get is from Flores from FB 1?” Frankel yells, thick with sarcasm.

“You don’t know anything about my wife, you dy-”

“Both of you, shut the fuck up!” Lucas yells coldly, making both of them go quiet. “Hill, don’t even think about finishing that sentence. I won’t tolerate it,” he tells the other man coldly.

“Per usual, you let Frankel fight your battles,” Brooks pipes up. Lucas flashes him a glare.

“I do not. I appreciate it, Frankel, but I can very well answer for myself. My relationship should not be present in this conversation, so I don’t want to hear a word about it. Hill, I hope you aren’t sleeping with a subordinate-”

“Are you accusing me of something, Chief?” the other man asked, almost incredulously before rolling his eyes. Lucas pursed his lips and decided to change the subject.

“Now, I understand you have concerns about the budget for the Fisherman’s terminal and the Waterfront, but I obviously can’t allocate it at the moment. Where would I get it from? Hazmat? Medic One?” Hill bites back whatever he was about to say. “If we find ourselves with some extra money, we’ll allocate more funds to the Fisherman’s Terminal and Waterfront.”

“Moving on,” Richardson cuts in. “Let’s move on to Battalion 2,” he gestures to Mitchell. Mitchell doesn’t say anything of substance, just brags about how he’s managed to make some savings, complains that one of his female firefighters is on maternity leave, says he a new captain position has opened up. Thankfully, there is no conflict other than Marisol telling him off for complaining about the pregnant firefighter. They keep going, with Marisol going into a detailed explanation of Medic One’s expenses and Petersen talking about Hazmat’s budget. The rest of meeting runs fairly smoothly, except for Frankel complaining about 23 and about the fact that Sullivan decided to keep Bishop. Lucas half zones out of the meeting, occasionally cutting in when to reign things in if the situation gets out of hand. Finally, the meeting is almost over.

“Well, actually, sirs we very well know why our budget is so tight,” Gonzalez says finally. “The Chief authorized a new drone that was almost-”

“Oh, shut up, Gonzalez!” Frankel burst out, annoyed. “You very well fucking know that drone was well-deserved and is entirely useful!” she snapped. Richardson nodded in agreement.

“He just wishes he’d thought of it,” Marisol whispers to Petersen. She turns to Gonzalez. “There is less risk to firefighter life during recoveries when we have the drone scout before we go in so we don’t go in blind,” she rolls her eyes. “You would well know that if you ever ran a scene to the end,” she says.

“Excuse me? What are you implying?” Gonzalez bites back.

“She’s trying to tell you, you lying misogynistic piece of shit, that the drone is helpful during recoveries, but you don’t know that because you haven’t done one in ages!” Frankel snaps, coming to Marisol’s defense despite the fact that the other woman doesn’t need it. [She may not be as ornery as Frankel, but she’s venomous if you get on her nerves].

“Enough!” Lucas snaps flatly. “Gonzalez, stop bringing up that drone. I know you weren’t happy with the decision, but the decision was made months ago. The drone has been helpful, and honestly most of it was paid through funds from the council, not SFD. Frankel, Price, enough. Just let it go,” he says with a heavy sigh.

“Besides, Gonzalez, your paycheck didn’t suffer for it,” Price says sarcastically. It’s Petersen who bursts out laughing before Mitchell turns his glare on him. Lucas groans.

“Thank you, everyone. I understand that there are budgetary concerns, but there is nothing to be done at this moment. I suggest you all meet with your captains and try moving things around if individual station budgets allow. But, keep me in the loop. I want to make sure any temporary budgetary changes don’t have negative effects on personnel,” he says standing up.

“Yes, sir,” most of them chorus.

“Actually, sir, speaking of personnel, we need to talk-” Richardson starts. [Lucas has an inkling that it has to do with letting people go, but he tries not to think too much of it].

“Drop by my office later. Have a draft, too,” Lucas says kindly.

“I’ll draft a proposal up, sir,” Richardson nods.

“Thanks, Richardson,” Lucas nods at him. “Hill, I’d like to see you in my office.”

“Chief,” they all nod as he leaves. Frankel joins him on the way to his office.

“Does Flores need to transfer?” she asks bluntly.

“I don’t know. I don’t think Hill’s doing anything,” he says quietly.

“That misogynistic asshole doesn’t have the balls to do anything,” Frankel grumbles. “I doubt he’s done anything, but someone should talk to the poor girl.”

“Frankel, please don’t.”

“You know; I would love to see you get rid of Hill over a sex scandal,” she quips.

“Deb,” Lucas sighs quietly. “I don’t need that right now.”

“I know. Well, I’m off to hound on 23. Get Price to do the training,” she says before leaving. “She’s good with white men,” Frankel grins brazenly at him.

“See you later, Deb,” Lucas tells her instead before making his way into his office.

“Chief,” Hill says as he enters his office.

“Come in,” he gestures for the older man to take a seat. Hill nods. There’s a pregnant pause as Hill stares at him while Lucas tries to gather his thoughts. “Was Frankel right?”  he says finally.

“Sir?”

“You know what I’m talking about, Hill. Was Frankel right? Are you sleeping with Flores?” he demanded.

“Of cour- of course not, sir. Don’t be ridiculous. _I_ don’t sleep around the SFD,” Hill grunted.

“What are you implying?” Lucas rubbed his beard.

“Nothing, of course. As you mentioned, Station 5 and the Waterfront are closed for renovations. Therefore, there are a lot more water rescues done by Fisherman’s Terminal. Flores is one of the best, and I think-”

“Don’t play dumb with me. I didn’t ask you in here to talk about FT. I want to know if you and Flores are in a consensual sexual relationship?” Lucas leans across his desk.

“No, we are not,” Hill says.

“I will have HR investigate-”

“There’s absolutely no need, Chief,” Hill crosses his arms in front of him. “Flores will transfer-”

“No, she will not. And, you won’t force her to.  You won’t contact her. I will ask HR to make an inquiry. If anyone’s transferring, Hill, it’s going to be you,” he tells the other man. He’s about to continue – or, Hill is about to object – when his phone beeps with a call. Lucas glances at the screen. It’s the structure fire Martinez had been called to. [Lucas has the sinking feeling something went horribly wrong]. “Well, I have to go. I’m being called to this fire. Have a good day, Hill,” he tells the other man who has the sense to stand up. Lucas grabs his helmet. “And, Hill?”

“Chief?”

“Don’t you ever use my relationship to cover up whatever shit you do,” he says flatly. “Ever. Do you understand?” he hisses, and then he’s out the door.

* * *

It’s another high rise building, this time a modern apartment building with offices on the floors 2-20. Lucas takes a deep breath and pushes all the memories of the skyscraper fire to the back of his mind. The scene is chaos when he arrives, and the captain of 7 hands over before informing him that Martinez pulled rank on the captain of 88 and went inside. Several of the top brass were also called, along with other stations.

“Well, this will be fun,” Frankel grumbles as she comes over to him, already in her turnouts. “How do you wanna do this, Chief?”

Lucas divides the companies into battalions, making sure stations can report to battalion chiefs as well as him. He orders all available companies to take defensive positions, determines a triage area and gives a quick statement to the press. Then, he tries to reach Martinez.

The radio crackles as Lucas tries to reach Martinez, and finally he hears the other man’s voice.

“There’s… Chief- this structure… there’s a kid here…” Martinez’ raspy voice manages to convey.

“Martinez, where are you? We’re sending reinforcements,” Frankel chimes in besides him. [Despite her usually antagonistic behavior towards most of the top brass, he knows Frankel would risk her life for any of them. _Okay, maybe not Hill, but all the same,_ he thinks]. He glances wearily at Frankel.

“No! Do not send reinforcements, I’m gonna- company 88 is close by I think, if I can get-”

“All companies are on defensive positions! I sent eighty-eight to another floor. I’m sending you a RIT team,” Lucas tells him through the radio. The radio crackles again, and Lucas glances over at Frankel.

“I got her!” Martinez shouts suddenly. “I need a gurney and O2 and Medic One to meet me-” Martinez is cut off as the radio crackles. For a moment, everything is quiet. Then, everything is in chaos. There’s a scream. A scream that chills Lucas to his core and he watches Frankel look horrified at the building.

The explosion echoes through the air and rings in his ears as Lucas shouts for companies to step away. He looks up to find the shadow of someone – a kid – in front of one of the windows, but as soon as he sees it, it’s gone. [There’s a part of Lucas that thinks he imagined seeing the little girl with pigtails, but another part of him _know_ s he didn’t]. He glances at Frankel as the two of them realize what had happened. He orders 19 to go over there as they are the closest, and several long minutes later, they emerge, holding a limp body of a little girl. The B-shift firefighters all look somber, and one of them looks like he’s about to cry.

There’s a cry from behind him and Lucas rushes forward as a woman races towards the firefighters holding the little girl. He manages to catch her by the elbow, holding her in place to allow Medic One to try and save her. He watches, as if behind a thin wall of glass, as Medic One starts working on the girl.

“And Martinez?” Frankel check slowly, apprehensively.

The firefighters bow their heads. “We’re sorry, ma’am, Chief,” they say. He notices Frankel freeze while he himself feels devastation, grief, loss, guilt hit him all at once. Lucas struggles, briefly, to lock those emotions away and focus on the task at him.

“Go join the defensive attack,” he tells them gently. They nod and turn around.

The woman wrenches herself out of his grasp as he’s distracted and moves closer to the paramedics.

Lucas reaches out to catch the woman by her elbow, “ma’am, I am sorry,” he says, then continues, “but, you have to let them work on her.” The woman continues to watch, horrified as Medic One’s team tries to work on the little girl, trying to get her to breathe, bring her rhythm back, but Lucas has the sinking feeling it’s all hopeless. “Flora Hayes,” her mother tells him was her name. “Is,” she adds, as if it’s an afterthought. “She’d always wanted to be a firefighter.”

“I am so sorry,” he whispers.

“Chief, we need to send in a RIT team,” Frankel informs him, coming over to stand beside him.

“I know. We also need to call even more reinforcements,” he tells her. He lets go of the woman, and another firefighter takes her place. Then, he calls dispatch for more reinforcements and radios to request company 12 to be his RIT team. Frankel joins, but Lucas doesn’t say anything. He asks Petersen to take over Incident Command Operations.

The drone proves useful in the sweep, but Lucas almost wishes he didn’t know exactly what they’d find on the 28thfloor of the building. The charred, almost unrecognizable body of Martinez, the only indication being his turnouts and his pale face beneath the broken SCBA mask.

“Damn, Martinez, you foolish hero,” Frankel says, and Lucas turns to glare at her. “Fuck,” she says before bending down next to the fallen Battalion Chief. Lucas bites his tongue and looks away. Lucas bends down too, helping Frankel and the others with Martinez’ body

[There is something entirely unsettling about doing recovery of a firefighter. Worse, when said firefighters wears the white helmet he and the other Chiefs wear. Lucas wants to be sick].

They zip Martinez into a body bag, and radio to announce they’re coming, then make their way out of the building slowly, painfully.

Lucas is numb as they exit the building. Martinez’ husband weeps upon seeing him, and Lucas tries to offer comfort but he’s drowning. He lays a gentle hand on the other man’s shoulder, but it is clear there is nothing he can really do, no comfort he can offer. He hands over to Price who arrived much later with tears in her eyes. The fire is mostly contained, and most companies are on overhaul as Lucas, Frankel and a few others go over to the hospital.

He’s numb at the hospital as he receives report after report about his firefighters. Sullivan comes over to the hospital, and informs him most of the team except for Hughes are at the scene, helping in any way they can.

“Herrera, Montgomery and Bishop told me she was upset, so…” he trails off.

“Thanks, Sully,” he says to his best friend.

If he closes his eyes, he can see an endless list of faces. People he’d failed. People he hadn’t saved. Claire Sullivan. Michael. Victoria Hughes. _Flora Hayes_. Carlos Martinez. Endlessly playing on loop in his head.

Finally, he makes himself leave the hospital and gets in the Chief’s vehicle. He’s still numb, but his hands tremble so he grips the steering wheel tightly and drives, basically on autopilot. He doesn’t realize where he’d driven until she opens the door.

“Lucas?” she asks softly, clearly bewildered. “What are you doing here?”

“I don’t… I don’t know… I… I am so sorry,” he says. “I should… I should go. I should go,” he turns to leave. “I’m sorry,” he mutters, his voice choked.

“Don’t. Just… do you want to come in?”

Lucas lets her pull him inside and to the couch in her living room. Vic sits beside him as a tear rolls down his cheek, but Lucas ducks his head, looks away and wipes it. Then, another. And, another.

“There was a kid. Little girl with pigtails. Flora Hayes. Martinez tried saving her but couldn’t,” he finally said. “I saw her. I sent 19 over, and 88 was close by,” it spilled out of him. And, then, he’s crying, full on sobbing, breaking down and Vic turns, her palm pressed against the back of his neck as she pulls him towards her, wrapping her arms around him.

“It’s okay. It’s okay,” she says quietly as she holds him.


	6. Where I First Found You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Vic remembers and things change between her and Lucas. A tough call leads her to the support group where she finds Lucas.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING!!! A part of this chapter contains mentions of suicide as two members of the team respond to a call. While it doens't delve too deeply into the issue, it may still be triggering, so I will put 3*(***) at the beginning of the part and at the end, so you can just skip over that. Hope you enjoy the chapter!

_“Eggy,” he whispers quietly in the middle of the night. Vic’s eyes snap wide open and she turns to find him wide awake, his arm thrown across her, fingers gently caressing her side._

_“Luke?”_

_His lower lip is quivering and he turns to face her, fingers trembling._

_“Luke, what’s wrong?” she asks, immediately cupping his cheek with her hand, her thumb gently rubbing his scruff._

_“He died,” he said simply. Vic sighed. [Lucas didn’t need to tell her who died, whose death he’d dreamed of because Vic’s heart would always ache when seeing him like this]._

_“Oh, Luke,” she whispered softly, pressing herself closer to him. “What do you need?” she mumbled against his neck._

_“You. I need you, Victoria,” he said simply, his voice still choked._

_“I’m here. I’m always right here, Luke,” she said, pressing her lips against his collarbone. “I love you, I’m here,” she whispered against his skin._

_“I love you, too, Eggy. You have no idea how much I need you.”_

Vic’s eyes snapped open and she blinked, disoriented at her surroundings before realizing she was in her own living room, lying on the couch, Lucas’ body pressed against hers. She still remembered how he’d come to her apartment in the middle of the night, and he’d barely been holding himself together. And, Vic’s heart had broken for him and she’d ushered him inside, not caring about how it made her feel, about the scrambled memories she was still trying to piece together, about everything that had happened. [All that had mattered in the moment was that he was hurting and she was here and she could be there for him]. He’s asleep, and Vic sits up so that his head is resting on her lap, fingers gently brushing against his forehead, pushing his hair slightly away. Her mind drifts to the dream, the memory, she’d just remembered. _Eggy_. The word raises as many questions as it gives her answers.

“Eggy,” Lucas sighed sleepily. Vic froze.

_Vic entered the diner in a rush, immediately taking a seat across from Lucas. “Just in time,” she turned to Cam, the manager. “Um, may I have the eggy thing?” she requested._

_“That dish has a name,” Lucas remarked, amused._

_“Cam knows what I mean,” Vic shrugged._

_“I do not,” Cam said. “But, I know what you want because your hubby already ordered for you,” he told her and Vic smirked._

_“Yes, I uh ordered your usual, Eggy,” Lucas said, his expression a mixture between flustered and amused. Vic smirked._

_“Oh, Eggy,” Cam said adoringly. “You guys, can I just say, I know I scolded you for the parking lot incident,” he stammered, but Lucas interrupted him._

_“You were just doing your job,” Lucas brushes him off._

_“Oh my God, I’m really glad you see it that way,” Cam exhaled, relieved. “Because you two are, like, relationship goals and I hope I’m still busy in the parking lot when I’m married,” he said and Vic laughed._

_“That’s an interesting goal,” she beamed at him._

_“Eggy is on me today,” Cam told them before walking away. Vic smiled fondly at Lucas._

_“So, that’s sticking, huh?” she asked, amused as she smiled at him. Lucas was chuckled and Vic felt a swarm of butterflies when he smiled with his eyes._

_“Oh, yeah,” he grinned, pausing. “Eggy.”_

Vic brushed his hair away from his forehead as she snapped out of the memory, glancing down at him. She had to admit, Lucas looked so peaceful asleep and there was a tiny bit of Vic that still felt those butterflies when she heard him say “Eggy” in his sleep. After Lucas had told her what had happened and broken down in her arms, he’d fallen asleep, and Vic had drifted off, too, surrounded by the comfort of being in his arms.

Vic was beginning to realize that she could no longer keep Lucas at arm’s length. Her memories were constantly triggered, and as the puzzle pieces fell into place, so did her feelings for Lucas. [She definitely felt something for him. Maybe not the same love as before, but she did have feelings for him and she knew he did too].

“Vic- Victoria… Victoria,” Lucas stirred, and Vic’s attention immediately snapped to him.

“Lucas?” she asked quietly, gently brushing her finger along his jaw.

“Victoria?”

“I’m here,” she said softly. “I’m here,” she repeated as he blinked slowly before his disoriented, unfocused eyes fluttered open, drifting around the room in confusion before settling on her face. “I’m right here… Lucas,” she said softly. And, then, finally his gaze focused on her. “Eggy?” he asked sleepily.

“Yeah, right here, hubby,” she said, the word foreign yet familiar at the same time. “Are you okay?” she asked as he sat up.

“I’m- I’m sorry,” he whispered hoarsely, standing from the couch, but Vic got up too, and caught his arm, stopping him.

“Hey, don’t… don’t go,” she said softly. “You should- you should stay, Lucas,” she whispered, stepping closer to him. “Y- you’re upset and there’s a perfectly comfortable bed you can sleep on.” She saw the moment he agreed, defeated, as he briefly closed his eyes.

“I’ll take the couch,” he said with a sigh. “You should take the bed, Vic. This is your home,” he looked up at her, his red-rimmed blue eyes looking deeply into her brown ones. Vic nodded.

“Do you need anything?” she moved towards the kitchen, but he stopped her, his fingers lacing with hers, squeezing them tightly.

“No, I’m- I’m fine, thanks,” he tried forcing a smile, but it looked like a grimace.

“I’ll see you in the morning?” it sounded more like a question.

“Yeah. See you in the morning,” Lucas didn’t let go of her hand, though his grip loosened. He seemed to want to say something, and yet his expression was closed off, unreadable.

Vic bit her lip before attempting to pry, “do you… do you want to talk about it?” Lucas shook his head. Vic nodded and unlaced their fingers, making her way to her bedroom.

“You called me hubby,” Lucas said suddenly and Vic froze. [She’d meant for it to comfort him in his distressed, still half-asleep state, but she should’ve known he would notice it and bring it up].

“Lucas, we don’t have to talk about this right now,” she turned to face him, bracing herself.

“How did you know?” he blurted, standing up, his whole demeanor suddenly changed. He was no longer the broken man who’d come to her , but he wasn’t the Chief either. This was an iteration of him she didn’t know, or didn’t remember.

“I-” Vic started to say, though she wasn’t sure if she was going to lie or tell the truth, but Lucas cut her off.

“You remembered. How much?” [Okay, so maybe this was the Chief after all]. Vic wondered if Lucas reverted behind the Chief when he was hurt because this was most definitely not the Lucas she’s known for the past few weeks. This wasn’t the Lucas who’d so hopefully told her about their entire relationship, who’d let her break down in his arms, who’d vowed to always be there for her and her unborn baby. And, this was most definitely not the man who’d come to her apartment in the middle of the night, and broken down in her arms.

“Bits and pieces, really, I can’t say that I-” she manages to say, but he cuts her off again.

“But enough for you to know me?” Vic closed her eyes and sighed sadly. “Do you- is it enough for you to- do you feel anything for me?” he asked, his voice wavering slightly with apprehension. Vic sighed.

“I don’t- I don’t know, I-” she started to say, but Lucas’ expression made her cut herself off, and she bit her lip. “I’m sorry,” she sighed regretfully. Lucas sighed too.

“Thanks, but I’m done,” he said, making his way towards the door.

“Lucas, wait!” she said, moving towards him, reaching out to catch his arm. “Please don’t… don’t go. We should talk, I-”

With a heavy sigh, Lucas turned to her, “there’s nothing to talk about, Victoria. You don’t feel anything for me and I can understand because you lost your memories. But, you’ve been remembering things- me… us, and you still don’t feel anything.” Lucas looked like he was about to cry.  “So, I’m done. I’m out. If you need anything or if there’s anything with the baby, let me know, but you and I are done,” his eyes were red-rimmed and swimming with tears. “I love you, Victoria,” he said finally, and then he was out the door.

And, once he’s out the door, Vic finally lets the tears she’d been keeping at bay fall.

* * *

Vic had never considered being pregnant. Or, at least, she doesn’t remember doing so. Pregnancy, she soon realizes is a rollercoaster. There’s exhilarating highs and mind-numbing lows. There’s the soaring feeling of hearing her baby’s heartbeat, seeing her baby on an ultra sound, and there’s the hopeless feeling of being alone when experiencing it. But, Vic had her family at Station 19 and they would always be by her side, supporting her. And, up until twenty-four hours earlier, she also had her baby’s father by her side. But, Lucas Ripley had given up on her, and this time it was her fault.

She returned to work a day after Lucas had left her apartment and in a sense her life. Sullivan had rostered her on Aid Car, and Vic was grateful for the fact that it was one of those days when Aid Car calls seemed to come every hour. She was also grateful, that she was with Gibson on Aid Car and could easily avoid Andy, Maya and Travis.

“So,” Jack looked over at her, breaking the silence, “how are you doing?”

“Fine,” Vic shrugged as she drove.

“Have you spoken to Ripley?”

“Why are you asking? Maya probably told you already,” she snapped. Jack just nodded.

“Vic, about me and Maya-”

“I have no right to ask questions about you and Maya. And, frankly, I don’t really care!” she cut him off, her voice cold.

“You knew. Or, well, used to know. About me and Maya,” Jack said with a sigh.

“Oh?” Vic glanced at him suddenly feeling guilty for jumping to conclusions. “I did? About your Ms. Hypothetical?” she asked, the words spilling out without much thought. This made Jack look at her in surprise. “What? What did I say?”

“Do you remember?” Jack asked as they arrived at a small, two-story house. They hopped out and grabbed their medical kits before making their way to the door. Vic paused for a second, and then the memory was there, the conversation between her and Jack about Mr. Hypothetical. And, along with that memory was the memory of her first time with Lucas and Vic suddenly felt dizzy and like she couldn’t breathe.

“Our Mr. Hypothetical conversation?” she checked, and Jack nodded. “I do. And, why we had that conversation. And, so many more things and they’re confusing and they make sense at the same time. He’s a stranger and he’s familiar and I don’t know what to do,” Vic said, her voice filled with emotion. “Let’s just do the job for now,” she raised her hand to knock on the door.

*******

“This is Seattle Fire Department!” Jack called out loudly just as the door opened and a teenage girl stood in front of them, her hands covered in blood, her tears streaming down her face. “Hi,” Jack’s tone softened. “I’m Lieutenant Gibson. Jack,” he smiled at her.

“I’m Vic. What’s your name?”

“Lia,” the girl whispered.

“Okay, Lia. Nice to meet you. Are you hurt?” Vic asked, putting her hand on the girl’s shoulder gently. Lia shook her head.

“You have to help her,” she said brokenly and Vic glanced over at Jack before entering.

Lia led them to the upstairs bathroom and Vic gasped when she saw the red blood everywhere and the water overflowing from the tub. She felt Jack freeze behind her.

“Should we call for backup?”  

“Let’s assess first,” the lieutenant said as he moved forwards while Vic pushed Lia back into the hallway, pulling out some towels to wipe the blood off the girl’s hands. The girl only started to sob harder.

“Hey, hey, it’s going to be okay. Do you know what happened?” Vic asked gently as she managed to wipe most of the blood off.

“No. I don’t- I don’t know who she is,” she sobbed.

“What do you mean?”

“My name is Lia Richards. I’m eighteen years old. One year ago I was in a car accident. My memory resets every 15 minutes. I don’t know who that woman is and I don’t know what happened,” she sobbed and Vic felt a chill run down her spine.

“Okay, Lia. Don’t worry, Jack and I are going to help you. I need you to stay here, though, okay? Don’t move,” Vic said, slowly standing up just as she heard Jack’s voice.

“Oh my God! Vic, you need to get in here!”

“What’s wrong, Gibson?” Vic asked, immediately panicking.

“Vic, we need backup!” Jack yelled.

“Okay, Lia, I need you to sit tight over here while I go help Jack. Okay?” she asked gently as she stood up, making her way to the bathroom only to freeze. Gibson was crouched over a body on the floor, his hands pressing down on the woman’s chest.

“What the hell happened here?” she asked as she grabbed her med kit.

“I think she was trying to kill herself,” Jack said softly as he moved slightly and Vic gasped. “Already started CPR. We need warming blankets, gauze and I need your help on the CPR. She has no vitals.”

“Oh my God, she’s pregnant,” she said before moving towards the woman. “Okay, we need warming blankets and we need to start two-person CPR and call for backup.” Vic immediately grabbed the warming blankets, trying to cover the woman as much as she could before noticing the angry red marks on the woman’s wrists. She grabbed some gauze too and began wrapping her wrists, glancing worriedly at Jack. “She’s lost a lot of blood,” she said. “Checking airways now,” she said as she crouched beside the victim’s head. “Airways are blocked. I need to intubate. Pass me the 7 millimeter tube,” she said, reaching her hand to grab it from Jack.

“And the girl?”

“She, uh, she doesn’t know who this woman is,” Vic managed to choke out. “She said she was in a car accident about a year ago and her memory resets every 15 minutes,” Vic started bagging the victim before reaching for her radio.

“Dispatch, this is Hughes with A19, we’re requesting backup for a possible suicide victim and another unstable person. We need to transport to the hospital immediately!” she shouted as she continued bagging the victim.

“Copy, 19. We’re sending Medic One to your location,” the radio crackled as it switched off.

“Vic, maybe once backup gets here you should go help Lia?” Jack suggested.

“I’m fine. I can do this,” she snapped as she continued to pump air. Jack just nodded.

They continued like this for another minute before Vic’s radio crackled again.

“19, this is Anna Jones with Medic One. We’re 2 minutes from your location,” the radio crackled as a female voice filtered through.

“Copy Jones. Just enter at the address and come upstairs. We’re in the upstairs bathroom with a Jane Doe. One of you should stay with the girl, though. She’s eighteen, her name’s Lia and her memory resets every fifteen minutes,” Vic said as she and Jack continued to perform CPR.

“Did you manage to get rhythm?” Jack shook his head.

“Should we…” Vic trailed off. _Should we call it?_

“We need to get her to the hospital,” Jack said immediately. “The hospital can-” he cut himself off as he continued chest compressions.

Medic One arrived soon enough and immediately started covering the victim with warming blankets.

“How are her airways?”

“Airways were clear so we intubated,” Vic said automatically as Jack continued to pound on the victim’s chest, but Vic could see he was getting tired. “Gibson, let’s switch,” she said and she and Jack switched positions.

“We need to get her to the hospital immediately. Let’s go,” Jones said.

“I’ll go get a gurney,” Jack said, standing up as Jones replaced him and continued bagging.

“Do we know how far along she is?”

“No,” Vic said. “The girl – Lia – doesn’t know anything because she doesn’t remember,” Vic shook her head as she continued pounding on the victim’s chest.

“Okay,” Jones said just as Jack returned with a gurney. They loaded her up and covered her with more warming blankets before rushing downstairs and loading her in Medic One’s ambulance.

“I need one of you with me,” Jones said.

“I’ll go,” Jack said and Vic nodded in thanks before noticing Lia standing there.

“Lia, hi, my name is Victoria. You called the ambulance because someone was hurt. We’re taking you and her to the hospital, okay? We’ve called your parents and they’ll meet you there,” she said softly, laying her hand gently on Lia’s shoulder before ushering her into the Aid Car.

The drive to Grey Sloan was a blur and Vic felt like she was drowning as she arrived in the ambulance bay, hopping out and ushering Lia out of the Aid Car. A resident was waiting for her along with some other doctors just as Medic One’s ambulance arrived as well.

“Hi, I’m Dr. Schmitt,” he greeted them.

“Lia Richards, eighteen years old, suffers from anterograde amnesia and her memory resets every 15 minutes,” Vic said as Jones and Jack were loading Jane Doe off.

“Alright, I’ll take her in, we’ll page Neuro. Was she injured?”

“No,” Vic said as Schmitt wheeled Lia inside just as two doctors came in.

“Jane Doe attempted suicide by drowning and slitting her wrists. She’s around 30 weeks pregnant by the looks of it, but we don’t know for sure. She has no vitals and we intubated on the scene and she’s been ongoing CPR for the past twenty minutes,” Vic said as the doctors took over.

“Alright, let’s get her inside,” the blonde doctor said somberly and Jones helped them while Vic followed numbly, Jack beside her.

“Vic, are you okay?” Jack asked gently.

“Yeah, fine,” she sighed, shaking herself.

*******

“Maybe you should get checked out, too? I mean this had to have put a stress on y-” Jack started to say, but she cut him off. [She couldn’t have this conversation].

“I’m fine, Gibson,” she snapped. “We have tough calls. Just because I’m pregnant doesn’t mean I can’t handle them,” she said, moving towards the waiting room. She noticed the Medic One crew exiting one of the trauma rooms, both of them somber while a flurry of doctors worked on the victim inside.

“Vic, I was just trying to help,” Jack said carefully as he sunk down into one of the waiting room chairs as well.

“I know,” Vic sighed sadly.

“Maybe you should at least eat something?” Jack suggested before fishing out a granola bar out of his pocket. Vic was about to refuse, but something in Jack’s eyes told her not to.

“Thanks, Gibson,” she took the granola bar gratefully.

“And, I’m not saying you can’t handle tough calls because you’re pregnant. But, this call _was_ a really tough one. For me, too,” he said gently.

“It was scary. And, there’s a part of me that knows the hospital won’t be able to save her. But, another part of me wants to believe they can,” she said, her voice filled with emotion.

“Yeah. Hey, we did everything we could,” Jack laid a hand on her arm.

Minutes later, a harried looking couple entered the waiting room, yelling for Lia. Vic could only watch, her body suddenly unable to move as doctors came over to the parents, as they all talked in hushed voices, as the parents’ faces crumpled, the mother collapsing against the father's chest.

“We should, uh, we should probably get back,” Gibson said softly and Vic nodded, still numb. Jack took her hand, and Vic let him pull her with him. They made their way to the Nurse’s station to sign off before going back to their Aid Car. “Why don’t you radio dispatch so we can be put back in rotation,” Jack suggested gently as he got into the passenger’s seat. Vic nodded.

When they got back to the station, the rest of the crew was having dinner, but Vic couldn’t stomach it, not after what had happened, and made her way to the bunk area. Jack gave her a nod.

* * *

She’d just opened a _What to Expect When You’re Expecting_ book and was merely leafing through it when the door opened and Travis, Andy and Maya all stood in the door way.

“Hi,” she said softly.

“Hey, Vic,” they greeted her in unison. “Vic, we’re sorry. We’re sorry for what happened last shift and for us trying to meddle in your problems. Look, we never meant to upset you and-”

They’re cut off by the sob that escapes her, that Vic can’t quite stop herself, and they all look at her worriedly.

“Vic? What’s wrong? What happened?”

In an instant, the three are on her bed, wrapping themselves around her as Vic finally lets herself break down after everything that had happened.

“Vic, what’s wrong?” Travis asked, more like demanded, worry immediately evident on his face. But, Vic just shook her head and continued sobbing.

“Oh, Vic,” Maya said softly as she wrapped her arms around her while Vic’s own hands immediately went to her barely-there baby bump.

Eventually, Vic drifted off to sleep, and woke up to the sound of the alarm. She quickly put on her uniform shirt and met the others in the Barn.

“Hughes, are you sure? Gibson told me what happened on the call, if you need to take a break,” Sullivan glanced at her in concern.

“I’m fine, sir,” she nodded.

“Alright, you’re on Aid Car with Montgomery,” Sullivan ordered and Vic rushed after Travis to the Aid Car.

At first, it didn’t seem like a very difficult call, a fairly simple structure fire. Vic noticed that station 23 and 88 were also called to the scene and she and Travis joined on the triage area, tending to victims and making sure to provide firefighters with O2 every once in a while. And, then, she noticed that two more crews got called in and that a now-familiar red SUV marked B15 also drove in. When she looked up, she saw Lucas exiting it as Sullivan and a few other captains joined him. Vic looked back down to her victim.

“You okay?” Travis asked gently.

“Yeah, fine,” Vic shrugged coldly and went back to dressing her victim’s wound before helping a firefighter from 23 load him onto a stretcher. She moved onto another victim.

At one point, Vic had to go the hospital with one of the victims and when she got back she noticed that everyone still outside had stopped doing what they were doing.

“What happened?” she asked Travis, and saw her best friend hesitate.

“Lieutenant from 88 went down and Chief went in,” Travis said softly. Vic inhaled sharply, and glanced back at the building.

“C’mon, c’mon, c’mon,” she whispered under her breath as she watched the clamor of firefighting resume as crews began moving into offensive and defensive positions.

_“Please don’t-” she whispers, voice filled with emotion._

_“It’s okay,” he cuts her off. “I’m coming back. I promise,” he says and rushes into the burning building leaving her to watch him, heart hammering in her chest._

“Vic?” Travis’ voice finally snaps her out of the memory, and she looks over at him. “You okay?”

“Yeah, I just- I’m fine,” she manages to say as she watches the entrance to the building, her hands working automatically on the victim in front of her. Twenty-three returns to take him to the hospital, but Vic doesn’t say anything, her body numb.

_“Where is he? Why isn’t he out yet?” she asks no one in particular, her heart hammering in her chest. “Come on, come on, come on,” she whispers on repeat like a broken record. “Come on. Why is he still in? Come on, come on, come on,” she repeats under her breath, her body gripped with fear._

“Vic! He’s out!” Travis yells at her and Vic’s gaze snaps over to the entrance to find Lucas emerge from the burning building, dragging a limp body along with him. Travis and someone from 88 rush to meet them with a gurney and Vic sees Lucas take off his SCBA before looking over at her, his expression softening briefly. She steps forward, but he shakes his head and walks over to Sullivan. Vic lets out a heavy sigh.

* * *

Travis convinces her to go to a peer support group after shift, and Vic agrees. [After the calls she’d had, she thinks that it might help her, so she kind of lets Travis drag her there].

“You don’t have to share,” Travis says gently as the room explodes in a round of applause after the latest speaker. Vic nods.

“Hello, everyone, I’d like to introduce myself to those of you joining us for the first time. I’m Lucas. And, I’ve been with Seattle FD for almost seventeen years.” Vic looks up to find Lucas standing in front of them, wearing a nice grey sweater and jeans, his hands on his hips. “I’ve experienced a lot as a firefighter and some incidents have stuck with me more than others. But, an incident that I’ve experienced a couple of months ago… it’s still sticking with me and reminding me of past incidents. I was in Manhattan during 9/11. I was only a rookie then; I’d just graduated the Academy. I found an engine company and told the captain that I was rookie with SFD. They gave me someone’s- supplies were short so they kept reusing dead firefighters’ turnouts-” he pauses, his voice choked. “I went into the Southern Tower and ended up trapped with a dead firefighter from New York somewhere inside the building, and that incident has always been with me. I’ve been dealing with PTSD as a result for years. The skyscraper almost over a year ago, that reminded me of it and triggered me. But, the warehouse fire a little over two months ago… it’s sticking with me because it cost me someone I cared about very much,” he says, voice filled with emotion. “I had to make a call between sending her into a more dangerous area versus sending her into a less dangerous area. Of course, I sent her to the less-dangerous side of the building, but when flashover occurred- she suffered a serious brain injury that led to her losing her memory of the past almost year. After the skyscraper. Which meant that she forgot about me and our relationship, and that was- that was impossibly hard. And, it was all my fault. Because I sent her in,” he chokes out, and briefly shuts his eyes. When he opens them again, they’re clearly glistening with tears. “It’s all a mess in my head… the explosions- I can- I can still hear that flashover…” he sighs again and she can see that he is barely holding himself together. “Thank you,” he says abruptly before returning to his seat as the room explodes into applause once again.

Vic’s the next to stand up, even though her body is numb as the words start spilling out of her mouth, recounting the call she and Gibson had been on. [It almost feels like she’s not even there, like she’s hearing herself speak from faraway]. She nods at Travis, but her eyes drift around the room before meeting Lucas’ and his piercing gaze offers her comfort and strength, so she powers through.

She finds him once it’s over, and hesitates before approaching.

“Lucas,” she greets softly.

“Hey,” he says shyly. “I didn’t- I didn’t know you were coming,” he says softly.

“Me neither, but Travis thought it would be a good idea after the call,” she tries to smile, but fails. Lucas nods.

“I’m glad you came. I hope it helped,” he seems to try to force one of his quick smiles, but can’t quite do it. “I’ll see you around,” he says curtly, and turns to leave.

“I’m sorry,” she blurts, and Lucas freezes. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you I was remembering things. I didn’t think it would matter, didn’t think they’d be important enough,” she says softly. “But, it does matter. It matters a lot because I’ve been remembering and it’s been stirring feelings inside of me- feelings I didn’t think existed anymore, but they were always there,” she’s rambling she knows, the words spilling out of her. “Feelings for you. I have feelings for you. I think- I think I’m falling in love with you all over again and I’ve been trying not to. But, I can’t not fall for you, I mean you’re- I’m falling in love with you, Lucas Ripley and I can’t ignore that anymore,” she continues, her own voice sounding choked, but he stops her.

“You have no idea how long I’ve been hoping you would feel the same way about me ever since that night. But, I can’t do it anymore. I can’t,” he shakes his head, and storms off. Vic glances back to find Travis talking to another firefighter, and she nods at him before making her way out of the building. She finds him by his car.

“Lucas, wait! Wait!” she calls out, rushing towards him. She sees him tense up before turning around to face her. “Eggy.”

“What?”

“You call me Eggy. Because of the eggy thing at the diner. I remember. You also call me Victoria. The first time we saw each other for real was after the group therapy after the skyscraper. The first time we kissed was after shift, after the police training. I kissed you first,” she smirks at him slightly before continuing, “I don’t remember everything, but I remember enough to know- it took seeing you rush into a burning building today to realize how I feel about you. How I’ve always felt about you, but I’ve been denying it for so long. Lucas Ripley, I love you and I want to be with you-”

“Victoria, that’s not how this works!” he says flatly.

“No? You once told me you don’t want to let me go. So, don’t. Don’t let me go. Just be with me. I love you, Lucas Ripley and I want to be with you,” she says, and there are tears prickling her eyes. “I don’t want to let you go,” she whispers baldly as she steps closer to him. She sees the defeat in his eyes and steps forward, her hands cupping his cheeks before she presses her lips against his. Lucas responds immediately, his arms wrapping around her waist, pulling her closer as he deepens the kiss. Her fingers tangle in his soft, blonde curls as she slips her tongue into his mouth while his hands drift up her back, tangling themselves in her curly hair, her body pressed against his. Their tongues tangle together and their lips taste of salt from the tears, and it’s familiar and foreign all at the same time as Lucas cups her cheek with his calloused hand. Briefly, he pulls away, resting his forehead against hers.

“Victoria Hughes… I love you, too,” he says and then his lips are on hers yet again.


	7. Surrender

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “We need to, uh, we need to take step back, Vic,” he says gently and Vic can feel her blood run cold. 
> 
> “You idiot! What the hell is wrong with you?” Victoria yells as she steps towards him and Lucas removes the oxygen mask, looking at her cautiously. 
> 
> “I love you,” she says baldly and Lucas can feel his own heart skip a beat at the admission.
> 
> Victoria Hughes knows what she wants. What does Lucas want?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> God, I haven't updated this in forever! Thank you so much for your patience with this story, I hope you haven't all lost interest in it. The scene bit might not be very accurate becuase that wasn't really the focus of this chapter, but it's losely based off episode 2x14. This is a long one, but I hope you'll enjoy!  
> Next chapter is the epilogue!  
> xx  
> Andrea

Lucas comes to his senses first, gently and reluctantly pulling away from her, though he still keeps his hands firmly on her hips. He’s leaning against his car and she pressed against him, her hands resting on his shoulders, their noses brushing, lips inches from each other, so close their breaths are mingling.

“Lucas…” she drawls in a husky whisper, her heart hammering in her chest.

“Victoria…” he mutters softly, his voice hoarse, barely above a whisper as he brings on hand up to cup her cheek, caress her jaw. [Vic wonders if it’s possible to miss something without knowing you’re missing it because she’s certain she’d been missing Lucas Ripley with an aching intensity for the past few months]. “Victoria…” he mutters again. “We can’t…” she feels hurt bubble up in her chest, ready to step back and leave, but his hand on her hips stops her before he continues. “We can’t… here,” he finally says.

“Okay…” she gasps, partly because she’s pretty sure she’d lost the ability to speak and partly because she’s waiting for Lucas to continue.

“Let’s go to yours,” he suggests and she nods, unable to form words.

Vic’s surprised they manage to reach her apartment without tearing each other’s clothes off and getting into a car crash. But, as soon as Lucas shuts the door behind him, their lips are on each other, her hands wrapped around his neck, fingers threading through his soft curls as Lucas’ hands wrap around her waist. As Lucas pushes her jacket off, Vic kicks off her shoes and fits her hands beneath his soft sweater, gently tugging at hem. They pull away breathlessly, and Lucas pulls off her t-shirt to reveal her purple bra and the waistband of her maternity jeans and Vic sees him freeze as his eyes lock onto her slightly protruding bump. She can see tears shining in his eyes as he reaches out to rest his palm against her bump and Vic lifts her own hand to cup his cheek. Beneath the sweater, Lucas Ripley was wearing white t-shirt, yet Vic could still feel the toned muscles of his torso beneath the soft cotton.

“Victoria…” he mumbles softly. “We’re having a baby,” he states, his voice full of wonder and Vic can’t help but chuckle.

“Yeah we are,” she smiles at him. And then, he pulls her to him though keeps his grip gentle, careful, his calloused fingers rubbing slow, sensuous circles on her waist before he presses his mouth to hers and Vic is done for.

They pull away only when air becomes a necessity and she whispers headily against his lips, “bedroom, now.”

Lucas obeys.

Expertly, Lucas opens the door to her bedroom and just as they step inside, her hands reach for the hem of the t-shirt, and in one swift move she pulls it off as Lucas hooks his fingers through the waistband of her jeans before yanking them off. Vic makes short work of his, and then they’re standing in the middle of her bedroom, wrapped in each other’s arms. As Lucas lowers himself onto the bed, Vic hooks her legs around his waist and straddles his hips, his hands resting on her upper back as he steadies her.

“Are you sure?” he asks her softly. [Vic is touched and surprised, though she shouldn’t be because this is Lucas Ripley, and she smiles fondly at him before nodding].

“Yes,” she says breathlessly. “God, Lucas, yes!” she repeats, panting slightly. Lucas smirks and tilts his head to capture her lips with his own before ever so gently thrusting into her. Vic moans into his mouth and pulls at his hair, her back arching as she shifts to accommodate him as Lucas starts thrusting rhythmically, slowly picking up pace. She rocks her hips along with his, matching his movements as his lips trail kisses along her jaw, down her neck to her collarbone where he settles and starts sucking gently. One of his hands cups her cheek while the other gently cups her breast, his movements gentle and deliberate yet natural, not at all forced.

Making love to Lucas is different. Their bodies mold to each other effortlessly, there’s a sense of familiarity while at the same time everything she feels is so _new_. She loves how his scruff scratches her chin slightly. She loves the feel of his fingers, tangled in her hair. She loves how he holds her, his strength reassuring. And, she loves how he makes her feel like she’s on fire. She loves the way he says her name, soft and gentle, husky, a heady, mumbled whisper. She loves how he buries his face in the crook of her neck, loves how he inhales her scent gently. She loves how he’s careful, but he doesn’t treat her like she’ll break. She realizes that she, Victoria Hughes, is completely and irrevocably in love with Lucas Ripley and nothing will change that.

“God, Lucas, I’m close… fuck…” she gasps against his lips, her climax building.

“Victoria…” he breathes out, his fingers running along her back, tangling themselves in her curls. “Fuck… Vic… I missed you,” he grunts before pressing his lips to hers. Vic kisses him back, her back arching, and then finally she feels him spill inside of her and he rolls them over so they’re lying on their side, facing each other.

“That was amazing…” she says breathlessly, reaching to cup his cheek, her thumb rubbing along his jaw.

“It was,” he agrees, smiling, his fingers trailing along her arm now.

“I love you, Lucas,” she says, her lips curling into a smile.

“I love you, too, Eggy,” he smiles at her and she chuckles breathlessly.

“Hubby,” she teases, smirking, before pressing her lips to his for a chaste kiss. When they pull away, her lifts his hand to cup her cheek, and she leans into the touch.

“Vic, we need to talk,” he says slowly, his blue eyes searching hers.

“I know,” she replies, though she doesn’t want to. [She’d much rather stay like this, in this little spicy cocoon, not talking, but she knows she can’t avoid it forever. Still, she can try].

“Yeah, we do. We definitely do,” she smiles, pressing herself closer to him. “But, first, we should shower,” she suggests, trailing her fingers along his chest, her lips curling into a smirk.

“Victoria Hughes, are you trying to seduce me?” he asks, a glint in his eyes.

“Trying?” she quips flirtatiously, getting up. “C’mon,” she says as she walks in the direction of the shower, Lucas right behind her.

As soon as the shower is on and the hot water is pouring down on them, Lucas presses her against the wall and she squeals in delight before meeting his lips halfway.

Shower leads to several more rounds, only interrupted by Vic’s stomach that reminds her the growing person inside of her wants food, and they tear themselves away from each other long enough for Lucas to cook. She objects, but he’s relentless and Vic eventually just lets him.

“What are you in the mood for?” he asks her as she perches herself on the counter, wearing his white shirt and a pair of shorts. Lucas, on the other hand, is gracing her with the view of his toned chest and abs and she finds herself not being able to tear her eyes away. “Victoria? Vic? Eggy?”

“Huh? Oh- what?” she asks, shaking herself out of her fantasy. [A fantasy involving a shirtless Lucas Ripley and gorgeous, caramel colored, curly-haired babies that is].

“Are you okay?”

“Yep!” she exclaims quickly, beaming at him. “All good!”

“What were thinking then?” he asks her curiously as he starts cooking the meat he’d pulled out of the freezer.

“Oh, nothing! No- I was just, uh, I was distracted,” she says, forcing a smile. “Yup, just distracted!”

“Oh, really?” he turns to her, smirking, and Vic blushes as she forces herself to tear her gaze away from his perfect torso and meet his blue eyes. “Care to share any of those fantasies?” he smirks as he moves towards her, positioning himself between her legs. Vic can feel her heartbeat quicken as Lucas rests his hands on either side of her.

“Oh, just so you know,” she drawls, resting one hand on his shoulder, “in my fantasy you’re shirtless all the time,” she smirks at him.

“Oh, yeah?” he quips.

“Oh, definitely yeah!” she chuckles and Lucas smiles, his bright blue eyes shining. And then, he presses his lips to hers, and Vic wraps her arms around his neck as she deepens the kiss. Their tongues tangle together for a few seconds before, reluctantly, Vic pulls away. “As much as I would like to, this baby of yours wants food,” she tells him and Lucas grins excitedly before moving towards the stove.

Dinner is fun and flirty and leads to one hot, mind-blowing round on the kitchen island before they move to the bedroom.

After the heady lust had worn off, they lie in each other’s arms, Vic’s head resting on Lucas’ chest, his arm wrapped loosely around her waist, his fingers gently running through her hair.

“Victoria Hughes,” he drawls, his voice barely above a whisper, “I love you.”

“Damn it, I love you, too,” she mumbles against his chest and she feels his chest rumble as he half-chuckles. “Now, let’s go to sleep,” she adds tiredly, her palm resting on his chest, fingers rubbing slow circles.

“I’m wide awake,” Lucas mutters, his hand moving to rest against her bump.

“Shh, I’m tired. Let’s just go to sleep,” she replies tiredly, as if to make a point.

* * *

A soft breeze blows the curtains and Vic turns in Lucas’ arms, nuzzling his cheek, pressing a soft kiss to his earlobe as the first rays of the morning sun light shine light through their bedroom window. Lucas’ arms are resting on her small bump and Vic basks in the warmth of his embrace. Slowly, her eyes flutter open and she blinks sleep away before turning in his arms, lifting her hand to cup his cheek.

“Hi,” she mumbles softly, and Lucas smiles back at her.

“Hi,” he greets back, his voice still heavy with sleep. “How did you sleep?”

“Great. With you,” she smiles at him.

“Me too,” he says before leaning forward to brush his lips against her cheek before trailing down to her earlobe, down her neck up to her collarbone. Vic dips her head back, her hand reaching to rest on his shoulder as Lucas continues sucking and biting and nipping on her collarbone. Briefly, he pulls away only to mumble in her ear, “breakfast?” Vic lets out a pleased chuckle.

“Yes, please,” she pants before continuing, “but this first.” And then, she sits up and leans forward to press her lips against his, wrapping her hands around his neck, her legs straddling his as Lucas rests his hands on her hips before moving slowly to her butt and drifting to her clit, sending shivers down her spine, his movements slow and deliberate. Vic lets out a quiet moan, rocking her hips slightly, her fingers threading through his blonde curls as her leg wraps around his thigh before letting out another moan as Lucas continues his movements and she can feel herself getting wetter and wetter. “Fuck, Lucas, yes…” she moans, pulling harder at his hair, feeling his hardening member against her thigh. Slowly, Lucas moves his hands away, his fingers drifting up her back to her breasts, and he gently cups her breasts, but Vic hisses slightly.

“Tender?” Lucas asks hoarsely, his fingers gently rubbing her nipples.

“Yes… don’t stop,” she gasps, her head sinking into the pillow. As Lucas continues to rub her nipples, his fingers moving slowly and surely, Vic continues to pull at his hair as he thrusts into her, and she shifts to accommodate him as he starts rocking his hips slowly before picking up pace as Vic starts moving her own hips to match his movements. “Fuck, Lucas, yes…” she pants breathlessly against his lips before pressing her lips against his, her tongue slipping into his mouth, her teeth grazing his lower lip as Lucas’ movements become more frantic.

“Victoria, fuck…” he mumbles against her lips.

“Luke… I’m gonna… come… harder, Luke, please,” she gasps, feeling her climax build as Lucas’ rhythm becomes frenzied, his hands resting on her upper back as he continues to thrust harder and faster until she can feel her release.

“Yes, Victoria, yes…” he croons before spilling inside of her before rolling sideways and collapsing onto the bed.

Vic lets her head fall onto his chest and Lucas drapes his arm across her waist, pulling her closer before pressing a kiss to her forehead. “Breakfast?” he mumbles into her ear and she nods.

“Yes, please,” she mutters softly against his chest.

Lucas cooks French toast for them with fruits and powdered sugar, and Vic smiles as he feeds her while flirting shamelessly with him.

“I want to stay like this forever,” she says, cupping his cheek, and Lucas turns his head to press his lips to her wrist.

“I know. Me too,” he mumbles against her skin, leaning into her touch. “But we have to talk,” he tells her seriously.

“Hmm, you sound so serious,” she teases softly, rubbing his jaw with her thumb. When she realizes he was being serious, she sits up straighter, “Lucas?”

“We need to, uh, we need to take step back, Vic,” he says gently and Vic can feel her blood run cold.

“Wh- what? A- are you breaking up with me?” she asks, her throat constricting, heart hammering in her chest.

“No, of course, not, Eggy,” he says gently. “But, we, uh, we jumped into this really fast and the last couple of hours have been amazing, don’t get me wrong,” he explains, his voice soft. “But, we both need to think about what happens next and where we’re going from here.”

“I just- I don’t care I just want you,” she protests weakly, still cupping his cheek.

“I want you, too, Victoria. But, let’s just take a minute and figure this whole thing out. And, when we’re both ready, we’ll know,” there are tears shining in his own eyes as he gazes deeply in hers.

“I love you, I need you,” she says, her own voice raspy. “We need you,” she adds more quietly.

“I know, and I’m always gonna be here for you. We just need a minute,” he stands up, putting the plates away before going to get dressed, Vic following after him.

He stops in front of the door, the word ‘goodbye’ on the tip of his tongue, and turns. Slowly, he walks over to her and wraps his arms around her, pulling her close, and she returns the embrace, tucking her head against his chest, pressing herself closer to him. They rest in the embrace for several long minutes before reluctantly pulling away, their foreheads resting against each other.

“I love you, Victoria. I’ll see you soon,” he promises, his voice husky.

“I love you, too, Lucas,” she mumbles against his lips before brushing her lips against his. Lucas deepens the kiss, and their tongues tangle together for a few seconds before they pull away yet again. And then, Lucas walks out the door and Vic is left standing in her own apartment, wondering what to do with herself.

* * *

 

Vic lets herself mope for another hour or so before she calls Travis, who comes over with ice-cream and they spend the day watching movies and eating ice-cream. [Travis seems to know Vic doesn’t want to talk, so he just lets her have all the mint chocolate chip ice-cream and pick out all the movies].

“Okay, Vic, that’s enough,” Travis blurts out, breaking the silence that had settled between them and Vic looks up, startled, before setting down her ice-cream bowl.

“Trav?”

“You’ve been mopey and grumpy and you called me to bring ice-cream when I wasn’t even expecting you to remember me after you left me at peer support to bone Ripley, but Ripley is clearly not here and you’ve eaten all the mint chocolate chip ice-cream and now I’m really-”

“Travis!” she snaps, breaking him out of his rant.

“Huh- what?” he blinks several times, huffing slightly.

“Slow down, Freckles! What’s going on?” she raises her eyebrows at him, her eyes wide. Travis inhales sharply and scoots closer to her.

“Okay, Vic. Out with it. What happened with Ripley? Because this moping and grumpiness and general crappy mood aren’t from pregnancy!” he sighs heavily and Vic bows her head, huffing.

“I don’t know…” she mutters before swallowing another spoonful of ice-cream. “Yesterday after group, it’s like… like I saw him in a new light and suddenly I believed that we could be together and everything would be okay. So, I told him I love him and wanted to be with him and we kissed and then we came home and y’know… spice led to an adult sleepover which was really awesome, but then morning came and he decided to be Reasonable Lucas Ripley, and-” she cuts herself off and takes a deep breath, another spoonful of ice-cream, before continuing, “and he decided that we needed a minute…” she trails off.

“A minute?” Travis asks, confused.

“A minute, yes. His words, not mine. A minute to figure out what we both want and what’s going and whatnot,” she shrugs before eating another spoonful.

“And where is Ripley now?” Travis asks cautiously, handing Vic his unfinished bowl of ice-cream. She digs in gratefully.

“At home probably?” It sounds more like a question. “I don’t know… I don’t know…” she trails off.

“Okay,” Travis nods. “Well, what about you? Have you thought about what you want?” he asks her carefully.

There’s a pregnant pause as Vic takes a deep breath, her mind racing as she tries to sort through her erratic thoughts.

“I- II I want Ripley. I just want to be with him. I want him to be my baby’s father and my person and I don’t care about anything else. I just want him,” she finally says and Travis nods.

“Okay… well, what does Ripley want?”

“I don’t- I don’t know,” she shakes her head.

“Maybe he just needs some time,” Travis says gently. “You know, you’ve adjusted to no memories then to remembering and feelings and all that, but Ripley probably didn’t manage. And, he was really hurt by what happened- he still blames himself for it… he probably just needs to process everything, I’m sure he’s still crazy in love with you,” Travis smiles gently at her and pats her back. “He just needs a little time. Just give him a little time,” Travis says softly.

“Okay,” she nods. “Thanks, Travis.”

* * *

Her two days off pass by quickly, and soon enough Vic finds herself at work, trying to fit on her uniform pants over her bump, only to realize they no longer fit.

“Ugh!” she groans before removing the belt. “Guess this is no longer useful,” she mutters under her breath.

“Hey, Vic, how are you?” Andy asks, entering the locker room.

“Hey, Andy. I’m just peachy. Pregnant and just great,” she says, faux-cheerily. “My belt is no longer useful and I can’t button my uniform shirt,” she turns around, wearing her uniform pants with no belt and her half-unbuttoned uniform shirt over a t-shirt.

“I think you look good,” Andy tells her with a smirk. “Loose the shirt. Just do the t-shirt,” she advises before opening her own locker.

Vic shrugs her uniform shirt off and puts it back in her locker just as Sullivan calls line up.

Most of the day is filled with uneventful medical calls except for having to rescue an old lady stuck inside of her car and a woman who’d climbed on top of a highway sign.

Their uneventful day becomes eventful when they get called to a four-alarm blaze at a coffee factory.

“Hughes, Warren! You’re on triage with forty-two!” Sullivan orders them, and Vic follows no-longer-rookie Warren to the triage area just as a firefighter from forty-two comes out carrying a factory worker.

“This seems to have become a tradition, right, Warren?” she glances over at the no-longer-rookie. “Fire at a coffee factory with forty-two?” she quips and Warren chuckles beside her.

“Seems to,” he agrees.

“Seems like you guys can’t get enough of working with us,” the firefighter from forty-two, who turns out to be Cook, quips. “You still working, Hughes?” he asks, glancing over at her.

“Yup,” she smirks.

“Good luck. I’m going back in,” he says before racing over to the A-side entrance.

“Chief!” she hears Sullivan call out and her gaze immediately snaps over to her captain. He and Herrera are standing next to the Chief’s car, talking to Ripley. Vic lets herself flash Lucas a furtive smile, and he nods briefly before looking back to Sullivan, Herrera and Conlin who’d joined them.

Over the clamor of firefighting, Vic can’t hear what they’re saying, so she focuses on the patient in front of her, checking the pulse and she gasps when doesn’t find one.

“No pulse,” she tells Warren. “Starting CPR,” she adds before fitting her hands over the victim’s chest and starting to push down on it rhythmically. “One, two, three, four, five…” she counts. “Bag him, Warren,” she mutters and Warren lets go of the other victim to fit the mask over her victim’s mouth.

The next time she looks sideways while continuing to perform CPR on the victim in front of her – Warren telling her to call it – she sees Lucas running towards the A-side entrance of the building.

“What is he doing?” she gasps, letting go of the victim and moving towards Lucas, but she’s stopped by Warren’s arm on hers.

Vic feels like she can’t breathe, like there isn’t enough air for her to breathe, her heart is beating rapidly in her chest, and she just cannot breathe. She knows she needs to breathe, to calm down, but all she wants to do is run to the entrance of the burning coffee factory.

“Hughes, don’t!” he snaps to get her attention. “He’s the Chief, he’s made his decision. Now, you have a victim in front of you and unless you’re going to call it-” he’s cut off by Vic raising her hand, curling it into a fist, and slamming it on the victim’s chest. “What are you doing?”

“Precordial thump,” she mutters before raising her fisted hand again. “He’s in V-fib.”

“Stop it!” Warren yells, but Vic doesn’t listen to him. “Hughes, let’s just try the paddles-”

“Defibrillator won’t work. I’m doing it again, now shut up!” she snaps at him, lifting her hand again, curling it into a fist.

“Goddammit, Hughes!” Warren yells, grabbing her fist. “You’re pregnant, for God’s sakes! It’s a bad idea for you to be doing this. Let’s switch now, I’ll do it,” Warren tells her just as she notices the rhythm return.

“No need, Warren, we’ve got rhythm!” she tells him. “Never underestimate a pregnant firefighter,” she smirks before moving onto the next victim.

As she’s treating a victim’s burns, Warren grabs her arm.

“Hughes, Chief’s out,” he tells her quietly and she looks up to find Ripley and Conlin exiting the building, an unconscious Sullivan between them. Vic and Warren both stand, and race over to them, and Montgomery meets them with a gurney. Vic joins Warren, fitting an Oxygen mask over Sullivan’s face while Montgomery and Cook take care of Conlin and Ripley.

“Vic,” she hears Travis say quietly from beside her as she checks Sullivan’s pulse. “Anything?”

“It’s weak, but it’s there,” she mutters.

“Vic, you should, uh, you should go to him,” Travis says quietly, gesturing to Lucas who is leaning against an Aid Car, an oxygen mask over his mouth.

“I’m fine. He said he needs a minute, I’m giving him a minute and treating our captain,” she mutters, grabbing a penlight.

“He’s had a minute. He’s had more than a minute. Now go to him,” Travis says quietly, and Vic looks up to find Lucas still breathing through the Oxygen mask, except his eyes are looking straight at her, and Vic smiles.

“Thanks, Trav,” she mutters quietly, and they switch. Travis nods again, and Vic glances back at Lucas before racing over to him, her heart hammering in her chest.

* * *

  _She looks beautiful, she always does, her hair in a ponytail, wearing a purple shirt that brings out her eyes and brings warmth to her skin. They were meeting for their usual breakfast at the diner, on a beautiful sunny day, the sun shining through the windows._

_“Just in time,” she says as she plops down across from him. Cam’s standing in front of them, holding his notebook, although Lucas had already ordered for both of them. “Um, may I please have the eggy thingie?” she requests, beaming._

_“That dish has a name,” he quips, smirking amused at her._

_“Cam knows what I mean,” she shrugs, grinning at him, her smile lighting up her whole face._

_“I do not, but, uh, I know what you want because your hubby already ordered for you,” Cam interjects, smiling at both of them._

_“I am- Yes, I ordered your usual. Eggy,” the nickname slips out from his mouth without much thinking, but Lucas doesn’t want to take it back. It suits her._

_“Oh, Eggy,” Cam coos, clearly enamored. “You guys, can I just say, uh, I know I scolded you for the parking lot incident-” he starts to say, but Lucas cuts him off._

_“You were just doing your job,” he tells the other man casually._

_“Oh my God! I’m really glad you see it that way because you two are, like, relationship goals!” Cam grins at them cheerfully. “And I hope that I’m still getting busy in the parking lot when I get married.”_

_Vic chuckles, amused, “that’s an interesting goal,” she quips with a grin._

_“Eggies on me today,” Cam tells them before leaving._

_“So, that’s sticking, huh?” she quips once it’s just the two of them, smiling at him._

_“Oh, yeah,” he grins, and pauses, “Eggy.”_

_“Okay, hubby,” she quips, wiggling her eyebrows at him._

Lucas can’t breathe after he exits Vic’s apartment, his heart hammering in his chest the further he moves. And, yet, he knows it was the right thing to do for them to take a step back. Somehow, he ends up back at his place and he decides to take a shower before going to beat the hell out of his punching back, memories with flashing through his mind.

Beads of sweat coated his brow as he propelled his body forward, fists hitting the punching bag with force. He was exhausted and his mind was elsewhere, but it felt as if he managed to keep his thoughts and memories quiet with each punch. [If only for a few seconds]. He grunted as another memory invaded his mind, pushing his body forward, fists hitting the punching bag once again.

_She was laughing, that blissful, carefree smile he adored plastered on her face as they sat in a booth in ‘their’ diner. Despite the looks they received from the manager and the fact that Vic continued to call her bed ‘their place’, they continued to come to the diner every one or two weeks. Lucas knew she was mostly doing it for him; she once told him she liked him so relaxed here._

_They had been there for the better part of an hour, but neither of them wanted to leave. He was telling her about a particular call from back in the day when he and Sullivan where at 88, and she was laughing, head thrown back, curls cascading down her shoulders, eyes twinkling with amusement and delight. [Lucas himself didn’t think he was being particularly funny or that the story itself was, but Victoria’s smile and laugher were contagious]._

Another punch, and the memory was pushed to the back of his mind.

His doorbell ringing interrupted him, and he pulled on his station 88 crew shirt before moving to the hallway to open the door. It’s Sullivan.

“Hey, man,” his best friend greets him.

“Sully. Hey,” Lucas greets back, surprised to see Sullivan standing in front of him.

“What are you up to?” Sullivan asks him, stepping inside.

“Working out. You?”

“Just thought I’d drop by,” his best friend shrugs. Lucas raises an eyebrow, crossing his arms skeptically across his chest.

“Okay, you got me. Montgomery told me to check up on you. He’s with Hughes. They’re doing mint chocolate chip ice-cream and Netflix,” Sullivan tells him, following him to the kitchen. “Do you have beer?”

“Yup,” Lucas sighs in defeat before opening the fridge and pulling out two beers.

“Thanks,” Sullivan mutters as Lucas hands him one bottle.

They spend almost the entire day drinking beer and catching up, and Lucas knows Sullivan’s trying to distract him from Vic.

“Okay, man, out with it,” Lucas says breaking the silence.

“So, Luke, what’s going on with you and Hughes?” Sullivan asks him. Lucas bites his lip and shrugs.

“I- I don’t know, mate. I just… I just need time to think. She wants all in and of- of course I want that, too, but I need time to just think and figure it all out,” he sighs, head bowed.

“So, what’s the problem? Scared?” Sullivan asks curiously.

“Terrified. What if… what if this happens again? What if I lose her?” Lucas asks, his voice thick with emotion, his throat constricting.

“You won’t. Look, Victoria Hughes always struck me as an all or nothing person. She’s… she’s not halfway or unsure or anything like that. And, if she’s all in with you, you got her and she’ll never leave you,” Sullivan tells him, and Lucas nods. “Just let her in, Luke. Let her back in. Open yourself up to her and let her in. You were happier with her, Luke. I know you, I’ve seen you with Kate, and I’ve seen you with Eva, and you were nowhere near this happy with either of them. But, with Vic? Ever since I found out about the two of you and realized the reason you were so happy lately was her, I’ve known she’s the best thing for you. She’s the best thing for you, man. You just gotta meet her halfway,” Sullivan finishes, clapping him on the back.

Sullivan leaves him for another day with his wise words and a punching bag, though they do get together to spar for a bit in the evening.

When he gets back to work, most of his day involves paperwork and a meeting with the Chief, except for a coffee factory fire in the afternoon that he gets called to when conditions escalate.

The scene is pure chaos, and Lucas notices Vic and Warren doing triage while the crews from 19 and 42 are on pulling people out while trying to fight the fire.

“So, what’s our game plan, Chief?” Sullivan asks.

“Conlin, send your crew on evac. Nineteen, you’re on the offensive attack. Surround and drown,” he orders. “Is twenty-three here?”

“Yup. Triage with Hughes and Warren and Cook from forty-two,” Conlin reports, joining him, Sullivan and Herrera.

“Nope, send Twenty-three on evac, leave only two on triage and have Forty-two join Nineteen on the offensive attack,” he orders and Conlin nods before radioing his crew. Lucas stays by command center as the crews start the offensive attack and the evacuation.

And then, there is an explosion. He hears Herrera and Bishop shout at firefighters to step back.

“Flashover! Move! Move!” they scream and Lucas steps back. “Captain!” he hears Herrera shout into the radio, and Lucas realizes that Sullivan wasn’t on surround and drown with his crew.

“Herrera!” he snaps. “Where the hell’s Sullivan?”

“He went inside, sir!” Bishop yells into the radio.

“What?”

“He went inside, sir! Fox from Twenty-three fell and there was no one available except for Sullivan, so he went in,” Bishop explains and Lucas huffs in annoyance.

“Sullivan!” he yells into the radio. “Sullivan, you with me? Sullivan, come in!” he tries, but he gets no response.

“Captain?” Herrera tries cautiously. “Chief, what’s going on?” Herrera asks him as Lucas grabs his SCBA gear.

“I’m gonna go get him,” he tells her and she nods. “Conlin, come with me!” he calls out, deciding not to use the radio. “We enter on A-side, find Sullivan and get out. Got it?”

“Yes, Chief.”

Once they get their SCBA gear fitted, the two of them race into the building. The building is dark and filled with smoke and Lucas tries his radio, calling out for Sullivan.

“Should we separate?” Conlin asks him.

“Yes, but don’t get too far. This structure is still unstable,” Lucas warns, his eyes searching for any sign of Sullivan.  

“Found him!” Conlin yells, interrupting Lucas’ search.

“Sullivan!” Lucas yells, collapsing to his knees in front of his best friend, his fingers moving to his neck, searching for a pulse. “It’s there. We need to get him out of here, Conlin,” Lucas tells him and they grab Sullivan, supporting his weight between them as they start moving towards the exit.

When they exit, and a beam collapses right behind them, Vic and Warren take Sullivan from them as someone takes Conlin and hands him an oxygen mask. Montgomery comes over to him, oxygen mask in hand.

“I’m good, Montgomery,” Lucas says, shrugging it off.

“Respectfully, sir, I can’t let you do that. You’re the father of my future godchild, so…” Travis says softly, handing him the oxygen mask. Seeing he has no choice, he takes the mask gratefully, his eyes searching for Victoria.  

“Thanks, Montgomery. I appreciate it,” he smiles at the other man through the mask.

“You’re welcome. I hope everything’s gonna work out between the two of you.”

* * *

“You idiot! What the hell is wrong with you?” Victoria yells as she steps towards him and Lucas removes the oxygen mask, looking at her cautiously.

“Victoria,” he says softly, his blue eyes meeting her brown ones. He’s a little startled by her, and a little awestruck by the fire clear in her eyes.

Vic sighs heavily, “you could have died in there!” she snaps at him. Lucas sighs heavily.

“But I didn’t,” he retorts, though he knows he doesn’t sound very mature.

“But you could have!” she snaps, rolling her eyes.

“I had other plans,” he quips, smirking at her.

“Oh, okay,” Vic rolls her eyes. “A- and wh- what about you baby? You are aware I’m pregnant with your baby, right?” Lucas nods. “And, you ran in there like an idiot to- to do what?”

“Sullivan was down, I had to go in,” he explains.

“Oh, you had to?”

“Yes, I’m the Chief, a Captain was down, I had to go in!” he snaps, breathing heavily.

“Oh, great, so a Captain goes down and you decide to be the hero and just run in-” she starts yelling, but he cuts her off.

“Victoria,” he says gently, moving to rest his hands on her shoulders. “Eggy,” he adds softly, and he can see her eyes fill with tears, his own voice thick with emotion. “Eggy, what is going on?” he asks softly.

“I love you,” she says baldly and Lucas can feel his own heart skip a beat at the admission. [No matter how often it happens, no matter how many times she tells him she loves him, his heart always beats faster every time she does so]. “I don’t think- I- I don’t think I realized quite how much ‘til I was standing out here waiting for you to come running out of those doors, but I want all of it. I- I’m all in. I want something- I want something real. I want that,” she tells him and Lucas can’t help but smile fondly.

“I want that too?” he says softly, though it sounds more like a question.

“When I get married, if I get-” she hesitates, sighing softly, “if I get married, I want love, and inspiration, and respect, and I want real. And, I think you want that, too, and I want it- I want it with you. And, I think this must be the adrenaline talking ‘cause I don’t know what I’m saying, but, um…” she hesitates, inhaling sharply before continuing, “damn it. Fine. Okay. Lucas Ripley will you marry me for real?” she finally blurts out and Lucas gasps, inhaling sharply, his heart hammering in his chest. And then, he reaches into his uniform pocket and pulls out a small velvet box.

There’s a pregnant pause as Vic stares at him, her eyes filled with tears. “Luke?” she asks quietly.

“Yes,” he says finally. “Yes, Victoria. Of course it’s yes,” he says and Vic’s lips break out into a smile and she nods as he lowers himself onto his knees before opening the velvet box to reveal the ring he’d bought for her.

“Lucas, what are you doing? I just proposed-” she starts to say, but he cuts her off.

“I know. Now, Victoria Hughes, you are the love of my life and my everything and I cannot imagine my life without you. Will you do me the honor of becoming my wife?”

“Yes! Yes!” she exclaims, tears spilling from her eyes, her voice thick with emotion. “Yes, Lucas, yes!” He fits the ring onto her finger and stands up as everyone cheers in the background.

And then, he kisses her.


End file.
